Sometimes I am so damn stupid.

I keep falling into the same trap and I am amazed that I haven’t figured it out, but continue to let myself be an idiot. I assume that everyone is an expert. That everyone, in their chosen field, knows more than the average bear.

Kinda like that old riddle:

“What do you call a med student who graduates with a D average?”

“Dr.”

Just to be clear – I am not slamming doctors here – it’s just the most illustrative joke I could think of. I have a few idiots doctors but also some great ones, like my meds doc. But I digress.

What happens when you continue to see what you want

After talking with my meds doc about my blowup with my last therapist, he said that she probably went on the defensive when she read my email asking about training and her experience with people like me. And that when she got angry and accused *me* of being the one who picked the fight with *her*, I should have realized that she was likely uncomfortable with the direction my therapy was going. She didn’t have the training, and my asking the same questions over and over, and asking about techniques I’d read elsewhere, were enough to make her feel attacked and offended.

I should have realized it when she said she wasn’t going to research the area, that she is very busy with her other work. That’s a fair statement from her. But being the idiot that I am, I didn’t put 2 and 2 together. Or even 1 and 1. And I’m the one with four degrees? I was blind and only saw what I wanted – I desperately wanted her to have the experience, because then I’d have to start over with another therapist. That scared me.

I wish I had seen it before it happened. I *assumed* that she had the training. After all, she didn’t say that she didn’t, but she *wouldn’t* say that she did. I *assumed* that I was just not seeing it, or wasn’t experiencing it right. I *assumed* that the problem was me. I had lost trust and I needed to somehow work to get it back – that it was my problem to deal with.

Losing trust when selves are ignored or disrespected

It is so hard to define trust. It’s one of those nebulous things – you can’t describe it, but you know it when you see it.

I started to lose the trust in October – 7 months ago. Four months after I started therapy with her. In October she assured me I didn’t have multiple personalities, as if to relieve me. I felt put aside and blurted out 5 minutes before the end of the session, “But then why do they have names?” Silence. And then the session was over.

Shortly after, she asked if I was able to integrate Sam – the violent rageful part of me with whom I have very little contact. And this was a month before I was actually diagnosed with DID by the meds doc. Sam is probably the furthest away from me. I remember reacting very strongly – Integrate Sam? I don’t even FEEL her, how could I integrate her? There are many more selves in here sharing my life who I will obviously integrate first.

Did she think you just made the decision to integrate and it just *happened*? I don’t know – I didn’t explore her intentions at the time. Looking back, she seemed to be scrambling about what to do. I ignored the red flag.

The engineer kept researching online, but the erosion of my faith was in my gut. That part of me who can sense an untruth immediately. Some people say, trust your gut. Most of my gut is in a little girl who had to become VERY AWARE of her surroundings and evaluate danger. After the engineer gathers ALL POSSIBLE RELEVANT INFORMATION, other parts of me make the decision. Gives us time to think; digest.

My trust was further eroded when my therapist left me blowing in the breeze when I was about ready to jump off the cliff. I asked why we weren’t doing anything – not working on this. Not talking about the rage alternating with sanity, the memory problems between those parts of me. “Stabilization” she told me. She said she would just “be here” with me in the room. The engineer’s standing there going WTF? Give me some TOOLS to deal with this! I’ve got R A G E! I’ve punched out the inside of my car, cut, broken things. Tried desperately not to do something desperate.

What should happen in stabilization when alters are involved?

And another thing about “stabilization” … she told me that because it was in such a precarious state, that delving into traumatic memories (the next step in the process) was not a good idea, as it could make me worse. Yes, I know. But there is more than just dragging out traumatic memories – there is working with the system to see who is aware of what is happening, and who she could have used as an ally in the process. Perhaps that part of me that keeps saying, “don’t punch glass.”

She didn’t engage the ISH – the Inner Self Helper. I never knew what this entity was until I started researching alters, and it appears I may have one of these suckers. Dunno, but sure would like to explore it with someone knowledgeable in the field. An ISH is an ageless part who has always been here; sexless and charged with knowing most everything, preventing suicide, and becoming an ally with the therapist to pass information and get things done. Working with the Inner Self Helper is an old reference, and some of it not completely relevant (some mystical shit I don’t believe in), but much of the description makes sense to me based on what I have experienced inside.

ISH’s are thought to arise when the intellectual side separates from the emotional side. There are a ton of references to how splits can often occur, but perhaps in another post. There is a lot I don’t understand.

!!! The therapist can shortcut costly clinical time … making internal contact with the ISH to receive information or guidance and to report that response to the therapist. [Damgaard]

I wish during that horrible couple of months that we could have worked more on the different parts of me. Try to find out what was going on inside. Finding the parts who would talk, and who would not. But sadly, my therapist only said, “Whoever comes here is welcome.” She never asked about anyone specifically. So a lot of us with things to say were ignored, so we shut up and went away. Fck it.

When one alter is suicidal and the others are not

After the terrible time was over, I asked how close she had come to contacting my family or having me committed. She said, not at all. <Hmmm. Ding ding ding. Wrong answer!> I asked why not? (Unspoken plea – why didn’t you take me seriously?) She said, “Because you are still concerned about responsibilities in the future – things at work for example.”

Wow, and therein lies a MAJOR difference dealing with suicide and treatment of multiples versus singles.

Let me be obvious. It is completely within the normal scope of DID for one self to be radically suicidal, and the rest do not want to die.

I believe I spoke on this earlier in Dear Ms. DID: Does Altercide, suicide of an alter, kill the entire system? Did I not take weeks of research to her about inpatient work where I could feel safe? Crying out for help is not always obvious? By the way – she does have this blog address. But I doubt she reads this, otherwise I doubt we’d've had that blowup the way it happened.

I was actually somewhat disappointed that she was not clued in at all. That one part of me who DOES feel the responsibility to get my work tasks done, and who DOES want to live, will keep doing the day-to-day items that she feels necessary to be done. So we are not COMPLETELY screwed <fcked> when/if we come back to reality. But when the other rageful person takes over, all bets are off. There is no concern for responsibilities.

When I reached that state, in the rage, I was somewhat co-conscious – I could feel the rage 100% but then also a voice in the back of my head telling me not to punch glass. Not to turn the wheel. One part of me saved the other from killing us.

Because my therapist did not have the experience in DID, she did not even consider this could be the case. I wish I could tell her this – do not make that assumption. I was scared what part of me could do. You should have been, too.

Her method to help me

She said that she did try to help – again she offered my coping mechanisms. Go to the park and take pictures. Listen to music, etc. I pushed back – I need something for that RAGE when I KNOW I should NOT pick up the camera because I will THROW IT. She countered, clearly frustrated, “I am not withholding anything from you.” I didn’t SAY that – I pleaded – you are the expert – please help me! I don’t know this stuff, I am reading but right now, floundering! Help me!

Idiot, she wasn’t the expert. You ignore all the signs and when you desperately needed the specialization, it wasn’t there.

Why I am so stupid

So, back on track here. My therapist would not tell me about people she had treated. She did not give me answers to questions about her training. She only wanted me to understand that she had treated many people for many years, and that that and my track record with her should be enough.

I was stupid enough to keep hammering for the information I wanted.

I was stupid enough to not realize that she didn’t have the information to give me.

Wasn’t it Einstein who said,
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

And kinda like that old adage – If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

In her defense, she has a *very nice hammer*. It is excellent for trauma, for understanding triggers, for dream analysis, etc. And for a lot of months, I looked like a very good nail.

But as we got to some very tough issues with severe dissociation, I started looking more and more like a screw. (Ok, go ahead and laugh here – this chick’s got a screw loose, ha ha.)

So we had our blowup in the end. I triggered her and she triggered me. I WISH I had understood her hesitation and discomfort before it lead to her feeling defensive and lashing out. I WISH that I had seen that she didn’t have the answers I was demanding. Now I know why she accused me of trying to prove I was smarter than her – I WANTED her to me smarter than me! Show me that!

With lack of any information, I assumed she was experienced in the field of severe dissociation.

My bad.

So what is your lesson learned?

I am a perfectionist – something apparently common with those abused. If I am perfect and try really hard, no one will see that anything is wrong. No one will have reason to find fault with me and hurt me. Don’t yell at me, don’t be mad at me. I will be perfect.

I transfer that to other people – I expect THEM to be perfect, too. I know I have gotten annoyed and even angry with people who slack on the job. Who just don’t show the interest but who want the credit. Not the bozos who are too stupid to do anything more, but those smart ones who try to beat the system while stabbing you in the back.

I expected my therapist to be perfect and to have the roadmap for my therapy at least loosely defined in her mind. To be able to respond to my questions about what I was experiencing.

And perhaps even worse, I expected her to tell me if we were reaching unfamiliar ground. If she felt a little out of her area. I expected her to be honest about her experience. I needed some reassurance that what she was doing was right for me, or if it was something she just couldn’t provide.

Take home message

Trust your gut. Or in our case, trust the part of you who still has unanswered questions and can’t seem to get the answers. Trust the part of you who just feels that something isn’t right – be it as simple as closing down because you know the therapist’s office is not soundproof. As much as the emotional ones will plea with you to work it out, getting and maintaining trust therapy is not a democratic decision – any dissention in the ranks is a trump card that must be seriously considered.

Know yourself – you are the best source of knowledge about yourself.

PS

Again, not an overall slam on my old therapist. The only slam I have is that she would not be clear about her experience with other clients like me, and did not convey her growing discomfort in treating me.

References

Damgaard JA (2004). THE INNER SELF HELPER: TRANSCENDENT LIFE WITHIN LIFE?, Investigations Volume I, Number 3/4, accessed from http://66.201.42.16/viewitem.php3?id=161&catid=27&kbid=ionsikc