Yes, I am alive. A sincere thank you for all who have written me asking how I am.
I have thought many times about what I would post here, after so long. A summary of the absolute hell that was the year of 2009.
But each of you has had your own day, month, year, or perhaps decade of hell. **shrugs** what the hell do you need to hear my pain for?
My therapist asked if I posted here anymore. I said I hadn’t. After many sessions of me telling her I couldn’t talk to anyone. That I couldn’t really trust anyone. That I felt everyone I’d confided in had somehow betrayed me. (pause). In all cases but one, any feeling of betrayal was my interpretation and not their intent.
So my therapist asked about the support I received from all of you. If any of you had betrayed me. If I trusted any of you … and if I could talk to any of you.
And I realized that last years, yes, I could.
I don’t know if I can come back here. All of you know DID. Most of the times, I don’t identify with this blog anymore. I know this blog is there, off beyond my right hand, but there is very little compulsion to communicate – to research and present to you. I don’t know why.
I’m posting this because there’s some reason I can’t quite grasp. Maybe I’m grasping for part of myself. Or part of myself is grasping. Or maybe I just need a big bowl of ice cream.
If only life were so easy.
and there is an email to you in our head, we simply haven’t been able to get it out yet. Life is like that sometimes huh?
I know you haven’t written… But I have kept your blog on my small-ish blogroll… and the reason is that what you have written in the past was so insightful and helpful to me (because it resonated with my own experiences).
I do find that writing in the blog helps me gain a perspective on my experiences that are at a distance from the kinds of everyday things I talk about in therapy or write about in my private journal. So, I see it has huge purpose for me personally.
But, of course, do what feels right (and safe) for you.
Paul
Thank you Paul, for sharing your thoughts on some of my writings. That feels good inside. ** smiles **
Writing is still very good for me, and I’ve been keeping a journal forever. I just find that now with all the *other* stuff going on that everything has become munged together, and difficult to tease out what I would post on this blog and what needs to be dealt with outside this.
I’m not abandoning this blog – but as you said, doing what is right and safe at any given time.
My best
Cami