i go through cycles of believing i am d.i.d. on a ‘not believing cycle’ right now, so it is easy to read what others go through.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I enjoy your sense of humor. You are a delight.

Dear Emily,
I am glad I found your blog. I am newly diagnosed DID ( one month) and just getting to know my internal system. My system first presented in emotions, all separated with different jobs– as I continued to write…..the parts came out in colors and names that are related to the part’s function.

Its actually pretty intense and draining….just wondering if anyone could share tips on how to handle getting to know more about one’s parts and if any one experienced their parts coming out in stages like this.

Thanks for sharing through your blog!

Kathyscolors

Dear Emily,
Thank you for the encouragement and support. Funny, for years I have been feeling that writing would be the thing that saved me–I’m just now beginning to grasp how.

This morning I read a post here about continuing with a therapist that does not have the neccessary experience with DID. This was so helpful . I am transitioning from a therapist who is/was accepting, supportive, warm, etc….but who simply doesn’t know what to do with me at this stage to one who trained and has worked with DID clients for 20 years. I can already see more markers on the path. Not that we know exactly what will happen next–its more that I feel that she knows what to do with what comes up as it unfolds. Your post confirmed for me to trust my often hard to find gut about this.

I look forward to reading more! Thank you, thank you.

Kathy

It is a very thought provoking site. You are supportive and encouraging but you are not afraid to ask the hard questions. I am glad because the questions I ask myself are hard too. This is not an intellectual excercise with me. It is intrinsic to my system. Doubting was what kept me from being assimilated. I was Dx’d nine years ago with DDNOS because I have few alters and because I am co-conscious. Well, not competely. When I had a crisis last year and switched I could not remember the event for a week. The demeanor and emotions I exhibited – child crying, mature adult speaking logically switched back and forth in a way that inspired my doc to order a psych eval. As far as I was concerned though I was not afraid at all. My child alter was terrified. My wife is very supportive of me. She is more supportive of him than I am. She has said many times “if I could take a video of you, you would never doubt again.” She want the whole me. I feel empty sometimes. My child told her I was a shell. The others had to be taken down because I could not be hurt as much. That was a paraphrase. His way of talking and thinking is rather idiosyncratic and concrete. At any rate I am glad I found your site.

cami, In the beginning my wife sat in on some therapy sessions. She and the therapist said that if they could take a video of me then I would not be able to deny the child’s existence. I said “whatever” but they never got around to doing it. One night when I was half asleep she was talking to the little one. That is when he talked about them “going down” I suppose that in more abstract terms what he was saying was that went underneath my conscious awareness. He, the little one apparently was down there too. He called the place where he lived a tree because it was like being in the hollow of a tree. It was a very small dark place and there was no way to get out. He could not touch anyone and no one could hear him. No one neven knew he was there. He was alone. That is what he talks about as he cries “alone alone alone” I cannot understand i those feelings. All I can think is that it must be how a person would feel after many years of isolation. It doesnt make sense though because I never was isolated like that. In fact, I do not care about being with others. I never get lonely. When he came out I was able to see things through his eyes (you know what I mean by that). It was strange. The world looked like an entirely new place. I had never imagined what that would be like but there it was.. What mattered to him about it was sensory things like colors. Then there were all those objects for which he had no name and explanation. What he liked the most was the sky because unlike his tree which was very small there seemed to be no ceiling. He would talk endlessly about blue and how it goes up and up. And the sun too because he world had been dark. I have been to therapy off and on for a long time. I have observed that he apparenly is unable to construct images in his head, that is, he cannot imagine things. Except for his peculiar ideas which have meaning only to him, a thing is just a thing. Therapists never got that and when they said something like “lets build a house” He would say he could not and when they insisted he could he would get angry at them. He knew he could not build a house. One thing I found that seemed to validate my impressions of him was when I studied how eye movements reflect inner cognitive processes. Having watched him for a long time (from the outside, as it were) I realized one day that his eye movements indicated that when he thought all he ever did was recall and at NO time did he ever make anything up. That supported what I had already seen and it went against my idea that this whole thing was something that was made up. He never makes things up. That is the way he presented himself in the very beginning and in all this time his personality has remained constant That is who he is. My wife says he has the extremes of my emotions. both sadness and happiness. I am deficient in both. Maybe in some ways he is more real than I am. Now that is a weird thought! Ok I think my posts are too long. Ty for replying

NOt sure where to start really…for years I have struggled with depression and anorexia/bulima, then had a major episode 9 years ago, and diagnosed with ptsd. Before this I really thought I was crazy, worked in health care, was convinced I was schziophrenic, just kept trying to push things away. Once I was diagnosed with ptsd, researching it I came across information on dissociation..wow I thought that is so me, I was so afraid to tell anyone for years about voices in my head, lost time, forgetting how to drive etc, even then though I found some way to rational all of these things as normal. Two years ago started seeing a new therapist for ptsd mainly because she did EMDR, she has been great, but even after two years we have not been able to get to the point of doing EMDR. As time went on and I trusted her more I guess I told her things.Just recently she recommended I see a doc for medication review and she told me this doc specialises in dissociation issues. Anyway they had me do the MID test, I do not have the results yet, but the whole test freaked me out big time. I found it very hard to do, and struggled with telling the true, questioning if I even was telling the truth, that I was just imagining it all and was looking for attention etc. I have spent the last week researching and I have great access to university liberary and reputable journals etc, I was desperately looking for anything to debunk DID on one hand and on the other looking for validation of my symptoms. I also was very angry, and scared. I dont have alter with names at least I dont think so , but do hear voices, get images in my head with these voices. I have a child that can fly, jump to high places, a bit of a superhero, and I am freaked as I am wondering now what if she is an alter /part and it how I have fracture a vertabrae, cracked ribs, sprain ankle and have no idea how I did that. I know I for sure dissociate and I accept that… but could I really have DID, i just feel right now that everything is coming to a head, my head is full of noise, and emotions are on and off constantly. I did tell my therapist the other day something that I did unaware of the time that is vastly out of charachter for me, kinda embarssing, intially I told her it in a half truth I think checking her reactions to it, and then felt it was ok to tell her the real truth which given everything I have read about DID does truly point to that. Sometimes I am very aware of voices telling me what to do, or commenting, but they dont have a name , so maybe I am not. I too am very weary of the implications of this diagnosis, I have two kids that I adore and live for, they keep me sane, and while |Im not a perfect mom, I do a pretty good job, actually between work and them, I structure my life pretty good and feel safe most of the time. Any any input or advice would be great, I know there are other test out there other than the MID, Multidimensional inventory of dissociation. Although all the studies done using the MID were bang on, with confidence intervals over 95%, proper P values etc..my rational side and educational background can t argue with it, but man I still try. oH ya that the other think i never say We or us, although my ex husband still teases me as I always used to say I had a talk with myself, but again its all me and I…so maybe im not DID. Thanks for the great website and info it has really helped I thinki

Thanks for replying it means alot to me. What gave me the courage to post was the fact you like to research like me..Im obsessive about it. Also I read you bring in articles info to doc to discuss, I do too. Your advice re diagnosis hit home, yes I need hard science but DiD research is what I consider soft science as its subjective, how did you get your head around that. The evidence is there within me and my actions, but I just cant seem to accept it. It doesnt help that a voice is belittling me for even thinking that I might be, telling me im nuts etc, I think this is also the voice that prevents my T from getting anywhere with me, its stubborn and feisty, but \i think at heart its very afraid. Does that make sense. Anyway sorry if this is an inappropriate place to ask this questions etc, but I am just so relief someone actually anwered me.
Thanks again and sorry for bugging you for info, if my slang seems weird or anything its because I am irish and it comes out sometimes even though I have lived in N America for a long time.
Thanks again for your time

Hi Castorgirl

It doesn’t matter to me how you get here, or how many times it takes you to find me! Welcome welcome welcome to all of you!!!!!

I am SORRY that you have the idea that your therapist brought this about. I can understand that – you find this out in therapy…and just wonder. Especially about the stuff with the False Memory Syndrome.

Castorgirl…Anita…each of you…right now, it doesn’t matter why you are here, or what is going on inside you….you are YOU! No matter what is inside. SCREW WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!!! You are learning about you…that is what is most important…you will be like me…and research all the time. That is fine. But like me, you have to start giving some credence to the voice inside that tell you, yes, Gastorgirl, this is who you are. And just hearing those parts of you… will help with the denial.

I will admit…I am in the very beginning of my own journey, and I realize that after talking with people here, especially David. I also have made progress…there is such a range. I know it is hard, but try not to give yourself a hard time. Just learn about YOURSELF. If your first therapist somehow planted this in you… that will come out. Don’t push it. Just work on who you are.

(hugs)

Emily (and some Camigwen)