100mg of Lamictal were causing the spelling, reading and memory problems I reported on here several months ago including depersonalization and visual disturbances. Well I dialed back to 50mg and it got better. But, it’s come back, clearly it has something to do with building up in my system because I’m forgetting things really easily, can’t concentrate and reading and writing are difficult.

Meeting with a new psych tomorrow and plan on going off Lamictal completely. It doesn’t help with my moods anyway so maybe a low-dose of Lithium will be better.

Just be aware that while some things will be easier, other things will be harder. You alluded to this when you talked about therapy as survival.

Speaking for myself, I didn’t take any offense to your early post on “little speak”. As I said, you raised some excellent points. I think it’s important for all of us to be open and accepting. But this is a goal. When you have parts, and especially when your parts are operating without much input from other parts, we can all come across as close-minded. This doesn’t mean we really are.

Take care,

Paul

I read this a few times. Yes, I see your growth. I am so happy that you see it too.

You wrote: That’s me in there. My god, that’s me. She’s me. How do I find the rest of me?
I have been working on co-consciouness at work too. It’s getting better, but I have a ways to go.

I too have taken a hiatus from the trauma work. I just need to concentrate on earning a living right now. I heard your fears in the beginning of this post. They are so real for so many……of *us* too.

J

Thank you for writing some great stuff from the heart. I am happy that you have the strength to do that, knowing that there are people who might think you are faking. I feel bad if you felt I was attacking you personally. I am sorry for that. I am learning, and sometimes a well-written and obviously sincere post shakes your beliefs. My post from yesterday hints at my mellowing on this topic.

Your first several paragraphs – yup – I’ve written the same thing, and those words are shared by so many of us. That initial path from denial to first glimmer of possibility. I feel more validated every time I see someone write those words – we are all together in this.

You said a great one – probably one of the most important parts of the healing process:

“most importantly I learned that if you don’t acknowledge your parts or your past traumas, it will get harder and more difficult to cope with DID.”

Excellent!

But you also raise the dark side – that we discriminate against ourselves. Our own denial and insecurities. We accept the different handwriting, the different talents, different habits and preferences, but we deny different methods of communication on that singular level of Little Speak.

Why is this? If I ask the part of me who mostly authored that post, the feelings are mixed. Some denial, some attempts to distance us from others who might judge us as crazy. And some fear of the unknown inside. I think these feelings from the author of that post are understandable, although not totally appropriate to spew from the rooftops.

But again, we reserve the right to express resentment that there are fakers out there who cloud the waters. I just don’t go looking to separate people into two groups. In MY book that crosses the line.

You said,

“I really feel sad for people who try and contain their littles voices. The littles are just as important as the Bigs and to invalidate them by saying that they are fake is not only re-traumatizing, but it just makes it harder to heal.”

I think in many cases, people don’t even realize they are ignoring parts of themselves. Turns out I was. Maybe don’t feel sad for them for trying to contain, but for not being able to hear in the first place.

You said nothing offensive – you just shared some very personal and valuable stuff. An insightful post and a real look inside.

Thank you for the courage to do that.

Camigwen

I haven’t been on this site for a while.

I was diagnosed with DID in February of this year by three different specialists. I had such a difficult time believing it to be true and I tried to debunk it because I just couldn’t handle it.

It finally came to a point where there was a lot of anger and turmoil inside because my parts were not being acknowledged. I started to read a lot about DID because I wanted to learn about why it happened and how to make it go away. I did learn a lot….most importantly I learned that if you don’t acknowledge your parts or your past traumas, it will get harder and more difficult to cope with DID.

Since my diagnosis, I have been around to various different sites and mental health forums. I really only participate in one at this time because I have found that I didn’t like the environments in most of the others.

I need to say that I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and no one has to change the way they think just because of something that I say….

This being said….the people who are so critical of others with DID and the topic of “Little Speak” really gets under my skin now!!

I know that I have little parts….theres an 8 yr old, a 9 yr old, a 12 yr old, a 15 yr old, and a 19 yr old, that all at one time or another like to post on this site. I have a 3 yr old and 5 yr old who do not post. I am co-conscious with most of my parts….but there are a few that we don’t have much communication with. I can not switch on command, but I do switch rather quickly sometimes….especially if someone else has something to say. My younger parts HAVE participated in “Little Speak”. Not to the extreme that some other peoples Littles do, but yes…we do type differently online. I can not speak for everyone who claims to have DID, but it makes me angry that people call me a faker because my typing changes. I am NOT a faker!!

It is a known and documented fact that a persons voice and handwriting can and does change when they switch between on state and another. Why is it so hard to believe that an alter’s way of typing for communication can’t change as well.

When my Littles want to say something…I let them say something. I have learned to value what they have to say. It may not make sense….and it may scare me….but it still comes from within me, just with a different format. It is hard to show someone that you feel small and vulnerable online. When my littles type differently, it is there way of communicating who is out. Not their way of faking being someone with DID. I see this a lot with others I have gotten to know online as well. We don’t always remember when we post or what we post about….but when littles need to communicate…they communicate. Kind of like when a person has a job interview. If you want to impress the Boss and communicate that you are the one for the job, dress well for the interview. If you want to tell the boss you don’t give a shit….go in jeans and a t-shirt.

I really feel sad for people who try and contain their littles voices. The littles are just as important as the Bigs and to invalidate them by saying that they are fake is not only re-traumatizing, but it just makes it harder to heal. I don’t want everyone knowing I have DID because my parts just want to be left alone and don’t like to come out much. But in finding my online community, I have found a place where they can be more comfortable reaching out their hands and learning to trust….even if it is an isolated type of trust.

I will not go so far as to say that there aren’t ANY fakers of DID…because I am pretty sure I know of a few. But it really hurts to know that I am shunned by others within the DID community because of they way my different parts cope.

“Little speak” is just one more way for some of us to say….”hey, we feel small, we feel vulnerable….be gentle with us.”

And to the person who has made statements that their 8 yr old alter doesn’t even know how to turn on the computer……..Okay, I guess, but I know for me, I can have one person driving the bus, a passenger, and a back seat driver at times. Like after a really difficult session in therapy. One of my littles may be out emotionally, but there is an adult or caretaker handy to do the big stuff like driving home.

Anyway…just wanted to share things from a different perspective. I’m sorry if I offend anyone. I just think it’s sad that some people with DID can be so discriminatory within the community when we know that DID affects everyone differently.

Just my two cents.

Hope you are well…..

thank you so much for your reply. It has given us a lot to think about and some ideas for handling this change. I like the idea of having time to reflect or work on some short term goals. It makes it seem less scary somehow. I have also been trying to listen inside. That is something I find hard to do but it is good to be reminded to do that sometimes.

really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Maddie