I’ve learned many things I can apply to my life – things that have *nothing* to do with alcohol.  I had no idea it was such a widely-applicable program.

Joy wrote a comment on the Baby Talkers post that got me thinking about something I learned in Alanon.  She wrote:

I have been struggling with this for awhile now, especially regarding you tube. They sound sincere, but who is going to actively flaunt this, especially their littles on public video forums? Maybe I’m wrong, but then again, half the time I doubt my own diagnosis.

What’s right and wrong?

Many of us struggle with this idea of what is “right” or “wrong” for this DX, and if we aren’t like someone else, that we doubt ourselves; doubt the DX.  Like somehow everyone who has cancer has the same type, copes in the same way, and responds to the same therapy.

Sounds ridiculous, right?

Man, we have to stop beating on ourselves.

Someone in Alanon used an analogy about houses across the street from one another.  You have your house, you paint it, garden it, take care of it how you will (or won’t).   The other person (in Alanon-speak, the one with the alcohol problem) lives across the street.  You may not like how they take care of their house, leaving garbage outside and not pruning the bushes.  You can comment and bitch and moan, hoping they’ll change.  But they don’t, you get resentful, they get nasty, spiral down, etc.

So I learned from Alanon – get out of their yard and get back across the street into your own yard.  You can only care for your own yard, so stop letting your behavior be dictated by what they do, and what you can’t control.  Work on what you *can* control.

What does this have to do with Baby Talkers?

I’m not perfect and I don’t really understand myself and all the ramifications of my DX.  I don’t like the YouTube videos so I’m walking away from them.  They may be true or not – at this point in my life, I don’t care.  When I wrote that post, I was much more concerned that people would see these videos and assume that’s what we’re all like.

Now, 18 months later, I care much less about that.  I went back on my side of the street and shut the blinds on that side of my house.

I used to agonize about my DX – what it was, what it means for my future, how I’ll “turn out.”  I obsessed in the beginning, as an engineer.  Now, since the last year or so have been 7 times of hell, I’m less concerned with the specifics and mechanics, and I just try to work ways to cope with my daily challenges.  To be fair, I’ve been unable to do any trauma work.  I don’t think I could right now. But since my ability to deal with stressful situations and triggers has been significantly challenged lately, my therapy has been very useful in other very important ways.

In a way, I’ve been forced back across the street to work on my own house and garden.  And I’m worrying less about how I compare, and more about me just getting along in life with my own challenges.

I have thought many times about what I would post here, after so long.  A summary of the absolute hell that was the year of 2009.

But each of you has had your own day, month, year, or perhaps decade of hell.  **shrugs** what the hell do you need to hear my pain for?

My therapist asked if I posted here anymore.  I said I hadn’t.  After many sessions of me telling her I couldn’t talk to anyone. That I couldn’t really trust anyone.  That I felt everyone I’d confided in had somehow betrayed me.  (pause).  In all cases but one, any feeling of betrayal was my interpretation and not their intent.

So my therapist asked about the support I received from all of you.  If any of you had betrayed me.  If I trusted any of you … and if I could talk to any of you.

And I realized that last years, yes, I could.

I don’t know if I can come back here.  All of you know DID.  Most of the times, I don’t identify with this blog anymore.  I know this blog is there, off beyond my right hand, but there is very little compulsion to communicate – to research and present to you.  I don’t know why.

I’m posting this because there’s some reason I can’t quite grasp.  Maybe I’m grasping for part of myself.  Or part of myself is grasping.  Or maybe I just need a big bowl of ice  cream.

If only life were so easy.

“The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy.”

So why do I feel more unstable than ever?

This post does have a point – a snapshot of growth through the hardest external challenges my husband and I have ever faced.

<Yeah yeah, more of that “what doesn’t kill you” crap.>

Turning Points

Finally, I’ve found and started a new job. Finally. Huge sigh. Massive relief and weight off my chest – I can pay the mortgage again. I’d started packing in preparation to sell the house. The economy … the insanity.

The Perfect Storm.

I should be excited to find a job in this economy – part of me is. Everyone else is losing theirs, or praying like mad – I am so very lucky. Part of me has been living in fear of being able to hold down a full time job at this point in my therapy. Part of me has been bored stiff with the monotony of applying for jobs, customizing resumes and cover letters, phone interviews, excited promises to call me back … and the subsequent, “You were our top choice, but the job has been put on hold for ‘changing business needs.’”

I’ve risen to higher levels over the years – to a point where very few positions are available. Much harder to find. And I didn’t want to go backwards.

But I snagged a job. I worked it, I studied, I interviewed ex-employees. I learned to Talk-Their-Talk. 4 interviews over 6 months. But dammit, I got it!

Part of me was itching to dive into the job – a really tough one addressing some serious disasters at a company – problems I was warned existed as I interviewed, and challenges I was told flat out would be undefinable. But I am analytical, smart, reasoned, and I solve problems. You see me attack the research to understand dissociation … I do the same in real life.

<Bring it on, baby …>

But since I started my therapy nearly 2 years ago, things have gotten complicated.

I’m not the same person – I’m learning to be who I am to become.

Make sense?

Intellectually, I understand I am working towards being able to access all of my talents at the same time. To be AWARE of all I can do. I’ve surprised myself lately – I HAVE managed to do it successfully several times since I started this job, and it’s EXHILARATING!

I’ve also wanted to close the door because I became overwhelmed and wanted to cry because I’d lost the strength.

“Finally, I have a job,” I say. I can pay my bills. Remember that Cami, you don’t have to sell the house now. Big picture. I know. It’s good and I am very thankful. And also lucky.

But what about the therapy?

My therapy used to be about forward progress on understanding, listening, healing. I haven’t even GOTTEN to working through the trauma itself. But have made TREMENDOUS progress understanding my reactions to daily events triggered by effects of the trauma.

I’ve accomplished so much and I am proud. I can shout I AM PROUD OF WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED!

But now my therapy is about surviving day-to-day.

I am challenged to “be in the moment” as my therapist says. To keep all the parts of me with me. To listen.

It is so hard. The will to keep trying.

I have succeeded at every other job with just parts of me. Not really realizing it. My last I “enhanced” with cooperation in a successful way – for the first time in my life. That was a surprise, and also amazing. It was then I knew I needed an opportunity that satisfied all of me – needed all of me.

But for this job, it’s the first time I am REQUIRED to have many parts of me at the table together. The nurturer, the negotiator, the ball-breaker. Access to talents without switching, and without memory loss.

Let me repeat this eye-opener … I need access to all my talents, at all times, without memory loss.

I must multitask like mad, without multitasking among myselves.

Multitasking talents and skills is not the same as switching.

All of this. At such a fragile time in my own healing.

<OMFG>

I’ve just had another step forward in my healing – and you revealed it to me

I’ve been away from this blog because of interviewing and the new job. Exhausted. But got a chance to come and reply to the great comments and to see you all again.

And I realized today, through my responses to your comments of late, that I have grown during my absence … and over the last 6 months of sporadic posts. I noticed that my responses have taken a new turn that reflects my healing.

Paul and Dark Star recently wrote comments in response to my baby talkers post/rant from last year. In replying to them both, I found my feelings about the topic altered … tempered. (Ref: Looking for Attention, Baby Talk and Fakers in DID)

Who wrote the Baby Talkers Post?

<Disclaimer – I take credit for all I write. No matter where the ideas come from. K?>

I wrote that post on somewhat a soapbox – driven by a very vocal and analytical part of me who researched the hell out of things while still in denial. Perhaps to prove this dissociation thing was “true,” and to accept laying down the denial if enough proof could be found.

I/she was also somewhat offended at the notion that she would be compared to (what she thought of as) that.

I stereotyped against myself. Denial. Years. And even in therapy for over a year. I still feel some of the vehemence, but it’s tempered more with my increasing acceptance of myself.

The last 8 months of pain, of economy, of therapy. A couple times I just lost it. But somehow I pulled out. It wasn’t pleasant, and I know I almost did not survive it.

Progress is hard to mark and see when you move forward day-by-day. But being away from this blog showed me a milestone.

<Holy shit Batman!>

So did you find a baby talker in there?

<heh heh> I suppose that would be the ultimate irony – to progress in my therapy enough to accept all of myself, only to find a part of me who embodies what I railed against. Some Big Realization, acceptance, and then apology.

(Squash sarcastic remark here.)

I’m trying to be serious, here.

I still believe what I wrote, but I feel less offended by the topic. I know the stereotypes and baby talkers are out there. Influencing opinion. But my small circle of trust has “known about me” for more than a year, and only one has outright rejected me due to my “sickness.”

The rest of my circle are still here – I have been embraced as “Camigwen who happens to have DID which kinda explains all of those different talents and moods and things” rather than, “DID which it turns out Camigwen has and wow, how do we deal with her now?”

Soooo Cami … can you fully trust them yet? I am a solid step closer, perhaps.

Maybe I found something better – a tiny more ability to recognize when I can bestow trust

Make no mistake – I trust very seldom.  Events of late have further damaged my ability to trust.  But that whole “actions speak louder than words” thing …

My best friend, who doubted the diagnosis in the beginning, convinced me that she had rethought the DX and was truly there for me. I’d doubted I could ever completely trust her with myself after her initial doubt “because that diagnosis is so rare.”

But she pulled me into her bedroom last month and excitedly pulled out a small bundle of tissue paper. In it was wrapped a stone paperweight. On the surface was etched,

“Let me introduce myselves.”

At first I didn’t know how to react, but she was oblivious to my yellow alert – she bubbled on with her story of seeing it in a store and laughing out loud that it was the perfect gift, all the while realizing that everyone else around was probably thinking she was nuts…

Immediately, I felt such a relief. She accepted me. She had ALREADY accept me. With this DX. She had been TELLING me she was there for me, and I knew she was … but being as fearful as we are, it took that unconscious outward sign of hers for me to know it was true.

“Let me introduce myselves.”

God, I love it. ** warm smiles **

You know from my writings, and for those of you in your own journeys beside me – trust is a HUGE step.

Trust is something you consciously give to OTHER PEOPLE, and also trust you must learn to give to yourself.

<So you two-faced bitch (and you know I love you so) you rail against the baby talkers but also rail against yourself?>

It sucks getting slammed over the head with the obvious.

The baby talkers post brought it home to me because I’ve discovered that the turmoil and rage in me is NOT some horrible part of me I need to (stop repressing) tame and integrate – quite the opposite! The rage was a somewhat concerted effort by known and “good” parts of me to GET MY ATTENTION!

Parts of me I could trust – needed to trust – who could help me. Who I was outright ignoring.

<You idiot. Although, what the fck did I know either, eh? ** shrugs**>

I know, **shrugs as well** clueless as were we both.

I found parts of myself

“DON’T IGNORE US!” they cried!

Each time I’ve raged, I felt myself lose control to something that hurt and railed, yet for reasons I couldn’t understand.

But I found the turmoil is frustration within all of me – not just some horrible part of me who did unexplained self injury. It was me crying out for myself. GOOD parts of me. And other parts I now know are good, but so much in pain. Not ready to share but I am working to be ready to support me.

I’ve tempted fate by let down the wall inch-by-inch over time. Peeking over the edge. On yellow alert.

Sure, there’s crap I see and still avoid for now. But I know where some of it is stored. But most of the stress right now – normal stuff. Relax.

No baby talkers, but some gentle special girls

I have a book I loved as a child – read with my father over and over. Decades ago. I still have it, and read it for the first time a couple months ago. Now it makes me smile all the time. ** smiles **

In the spring, I was buying books for my young niece. I found a very sweet book and realized later I couldn’t wrap it with the others. It was about loving all parts of yourself. Turns out, I’d bought it for myself. When I *realised* that, I felt so warm inside that 1) I’d let myself buy the book even though I didn’t realize at the time it was for me, and 2) I let myself hear my ownership of the book (“No, can we keep that one please?”) as I was about to wrap it as a present, and 3) I consciously allowed myself keep it for my own.

Last year, I’d never have recognized I’d bought it for myself. Or perhaps even that I wanted it.

THAT was a big step. A private step. A real step.

I don’t participate in the forums, and I don’t feel or experience baby talk. But I’ve found that revisitng my Baby Talkers post has allowed me to see another step in my own acceptance of myself.

This book was written for perhaps a 5 year old – so simple but full of unassuming and pure love. How can anyone, of any age, reject that singular message?

Last year, I wouldn’t have accepted buying that book for myself.

Where I am now – who I am now

For someone who wants therapy milestones all laid out in a row, in retrospect, this one was pretty obvious. I don’t hear the baby talk, but I do hear more of who I am, regardless.

My therapists have said it, and I’ve never understood really what it meant, or how to get there.

“Co-consciousness.” “Get everyone to the table.” “Pause and listen inside.” “When there is anger, ask this question …”

For more than a year, these suggestions seemed far-fetched. “Ask a part of me who is currently engaged in punching out the inside of my car?!?”

Now I realize they were spot on, but the advice just didn’t come with a How-To manual. But the girl doing the punching answered my question. ** jaw drops ** That’s me in there. My god, that’s me. She’s me. How do I find the rest of me?

Forward progress on my “working though the trauma” therapy has stopped. My new job takes it all out of me, and my therapy now focuses entirely on succeeding at work and addressing the stress in my home life.

If you’re not working on the trauma, then how are you healing?

I haven’t even really started the trauma work. But NOW I realize that it can’t really be effective until you have the tools to hear what’s going on inside. To access broken memories.

You have to learn to listen first. Without judging. Listen.

So my big step – I’ve learned to listen when the turmoil starts.

I’ve learned to step back and say, “What’s happening here?”

I recognize whose driving – it’s easier now. I already know many of me, and recognize switches – much smoother now. I feel familiarity much easier. There IS co-awareness much more.

On my way home from work the other day, I was stressed and mentally shut down. I had the strength to open up and ask, “What are we going to do about this stress?”

And I found I have friends. Support – the only support I can truly trust – I have me. Emily reminding me to look at the pretty spruce trees we pass at a certain place on the road – seeing them makes her smile and feel good, and she shares that. And then I feel HER feel it, and then *I* feel it. A strange cascade.

Kate basks in the control and success she brings to the analytical and challenging part of the job – that we are kicking ass and taking no shit.

<”I don’t mean to break your balls, but …” heh heh.>

And I am driving, trying so hard to let me hear myself. Smiling, recognizing that the peace and presence in the moment is the resolution of that turmoil.

I can be here for myself.

The past 8 months nearly broke me. It did break me.

Clinging to my new reality for the time being, I hope I can draw upon myself to make it through the stress. To be here for me.

The take away

Everyone wants the punch line. (So do I!)

After spending the day with my parents last weekend, my mother said matter-of-fact, “You are Camigwen.” It was a bit of a surprise to me. “Camigwen” is/has been a thematic player for my adult life, but not the orchestra. A de facto “front man,” so to speak. Hopefully someone I can strive to keep in front, but also someone without full knowledge of the past.

I knew who she meant, and I know that’s who she sees as the part of me who appears most relaxed, and much like her.

But who am I really? I know who my mom refers to, and I feel comfortable in that woman’s skin. She is the “adult” me who grew from a good childhood and who loves and trusts her parents more than anything. I can *believe* in that skin that I am her and she/me are the “main” part of me. I know that aspect is in me.

You’ll understand if you have DID.

We all wonder who we will be. Will it mainly be ME with everyone else and their talents supporting me? Will it be somehow a “new” person? Or “strangely (to some)” will I be a welcomed and vital part of another in me who becomes the front?

I’m not sure, but I think I am less scared of it.

I’m not the same person(s) – I’m learning to accept and be who I am to become. And whomever that will be – will have the bests of me.

Thank you all for your public and private expressions of support for my trip last week. It’s (terminally) difficult for me to reach out for help, but you overwhelmed me with support – yo Cami wow Emily, you are real and people care for you.

Really. (jaw drop)

I went through a really tough time preparing, and have reflected on the outcome to learn. And you know what? **Nods** It worked. I did it!  **Smile**

In this post, I want to thank you all. And I also want to talk about the trip, what happened, what surprises worked, and some takeaways for me and perhaps for you on challenging situations.

OMG What did I do?

I conceived and planned this trip in a very idealistic state – wanting all the best, reconnecting, life is good, etc. Wanting so much to be who I want to be. And who I can be. Who I really am inside … if I could just heal … I could be … who I know I am somewhere inside.

… and therein lies the disconnect.

As you all know, your state of mind changes day to day; minute to minute sometimes. And then, well you know, that whole reality thing. Sigh.

I told my therapist that I was in a struggle, feeling trapped about my upcoming trip, and she asked if I could postpone it until I was more prepared and stabilized to both handle it and enjoy it. Based on events, I couldn’t. I hadn’t discussed a trip with her before I booked the flight (bad bad girl – this “mistake” was realized several days later). So we worked hard to prepare.

You remember how I pleaded to you at the last minute. My (stupidly late) final hour realization that YOU are my unique support network because you understand first-hand how this works…

You should know that my therapist was very pleased that I was able to reach out to you. She knows about this blog but I haven’t shared the link yet.  But she recognizes what this does for me.  So THANK YOU doubly!

To the meat of things

You folks offered many great suggestions, and I did use several successfully. Some of you had great ideas but I couldn’t use them under these specific circumstances. Regardless, I want to THANK YOU ALL for responding so quickly and for being there for me. And for offering your email addresses 24 hours. Wow!

Since you all helped me, let me tell you what happened. Full circle. Let me tell you a surprise that made it all so much easier. And a “silly idea” that paid off big time.

My therapist has figured me out in many ways. She knows I’m smart and very quick on my feet, and she baits me, appealing to my intellect to make me connect the dots. She’s good.

So as we prepared, her overreaching advice to me was this:

You are smart and evaluate situations quickly. I’ve seen you do this. So when you are there, do what you do best. Take each situation and evaluate it. You do it quickly. And trust your ability to find solutions to unknown situations.

In the past, I would have written this off as a BS psychology cop-out. But since I’ve grown to respect her and to acknowledge that she has her finger on my button (so to speak), I trusted that.

And it worked. Unexpectedly.

The basics of my “success”

I arrived exhausted and jet-lagged. 3 AM alarm wakeup for the flight – 8 hours with layover.  I arrived kinda freaked. (Let’s be honest, I was FREAKED enough based on all of that – PLUS I was having that total out-of-body disconnect numbness that often proceeds a switch or some missing time. I didn’t recognize the airport or her car.  I prayed she would spot me first and wave.) And scared I would have to “perform” in this state.

But as soon as my sister-in-law picked me up, she commented that I was probably tired and hungry. (YES!) So we grabbed some food and headed to her house.

Luckily, taking a nap was therefore not an issue, so I tried. I SHOULD have been able to nap. But instead, I just went ahead and had a panic attack. God. Laying there saying to myself, “Asshole! You’ve got the time and space to regroup and you CAN’T!?!”  FREAK FREAK FREAK!

<Well sweetheart, ain’t no nap happening here!>

So yes, I know, everybody just pause and yell at me in unison,

“Well DUH!”

**laughing, rolls eyes**

Anyway, so I got up to take part of a Xanax and try napping again, but my SIL commented that wow, I’d had a quick nap! I barfed out that I hadn’t even gone DOWN yet – I was tired and upset and distraught and I perhaps I could have hidden my distress from her, but I didn’t.  I revealed to her my face, and I almost cried. So tired, so revealed.  (Again, so trusting.  “Are you being too trusting again, Emily?)

She came to me and said something, I don’t remember what. Something nonthreatening.  Something supportive, and that she understood the panic. That she understood the thumping heart that wouldn’t stop.  What did she say?  I don’t remember, but from her posture, her face, her obvious recognition … I got the tacit OK that it was safe to drop the wall a little bit more.

I remember considering, and then allowing the sequestered tears to fall.  Gently, I cried.  She hugged.  We were the same.  She understood. No drama, a powerful (for me) milestone achieved in less than a minute.

Then she offered me a Xanax.

<Yo, she had Xanax?>

(That evil horribly-addicting substance I should admonish my meds doc for prescribing???)

Well, that was the turning point.

?!?

Long story short, she’s seeing a therapist for something very common (and unrelated), and she completely understood my stress and joblessness (the excellent TRUE cover story) and panic. And she hugged me. Genuinely. So I downed the drug <heh heh, my little pink pill and not her little pink pill> and calmed down. She just accepted my stress and crying as “Yo, been there done that.”

That single moment was the turning point. Suddenly, I felt like everything was going to be okay. That even if I needed space, if I needed the walk, and even if I just randomly broke down and cried, that it would Be Okay. That she was BESIDE me.

For someone who has MASSIVE problems reaching out to a support system, this was a shock to me. Maybe normal to the rest of the world.

It made the rest of the trip so much easier.

I had fun in pockets, did fine in pockets, and had some personal “issues” in private. Overall, I got through it and enjoyed a lot of it! And I believe that they all did as well!

Stuff I learned

(So today, here I am being the analytical “problem solver” and Monday Morning Quarterback rather than the distraught and emotional girl who pleaded to you last week … although I think the conclusions of all this are probably shared.)

Here’s what I learned from all this. You all suggested good stuff – but let me summarize the fundamental aspects from my experience on *this* trip. Stuff I think (hope) is transferable.

1. Try to realize that as much as each of us are different, we share unexpected commonalities with others. Even with those who seem “happy and have it all together.” Don’t assume you are “less-than.”

2. Have an plausible plan for handling emergency (“must get out of house”) situations. And try to internalize that “emergency” is a relative term – if you NEED SPACE NOW, this is an emergency on a different plane than HOUSE IS FILLING WITH SMOKE. Please note – for us, both FEEL the same, but to OTHERS, they’re not. So, to them, you’re taking a fcking walk. On the phone with someone. No Big Deal.  Real Life Happens.  So don’t worry about what they think.

(Sounds simplistic?  Well, know what?  I learned it takes a LOT to set off most people’s red flags.  Cami – don’t be so SENSITIVE!)

<So chill, unless you find yourself wagging your goodness on the street corner…>

Emergencies plans – having a plan ahead of time serves two purposes – it’s a concrete plan, and it should reduce your stress about “what do I do if something happens…”

3. Recognize unexpected things may/WILL happen. Think about your natural strengths in life, and dream how you might apply these strengths to the situation as it happens in real time. (Or as Secret Shadows suggested, just go to the bathroom for a while!)

4. Here’s a GREAT one I randomly thought of, but turned out to be an excellent strategy. Think about the upcoming “event” beforehand, and think of a way that you can positively control some aspect of the event. Make it specific to the people, the situation, the location, etc.

In retrospect, what I did was brilliant. <preens>

My niece loves water – loves getting messy – loves adventure. (So do I, in SO many ways!)

So, I said I wanted to come over and do something messy. Something crazy that would require lots of clean up!!!! Now, this child is genetically related to me, so that messy tomboy gene is shared <heh heh>in more ways that one.

… and you know what? My suggestion broke down many walls. She had fun and so many parts of me had fun (and were encouraged to have fun)! I had identified an activity that 1) gave me comfort and fun and security and 2) was fun and silly for all.

Simplistic?

**shugs **

Please Girlfriend remember this

With all the memory problems that I have, I really hope that I remember this and am aware enough to apply it in the future. It served me well in this situation and made the trip worthwhile in several regards.

- I got to visit relatives I like and care about, and have not seen in over a year.

- I got to see my niece who is a wonderful fun and smart girl, and we had fun getting really messy with some fun activities.

- I found out my SIL and I share more than I thought. I told her things I never imagined I would. And that if I really really needed to, I could probably reach out to her and she would be there for me.

It ain’t all sugar and roses

Now, I don’t want to make light of this because overall it was a successful trip. No sugar coating.

The trip was a risk. It was conceived and scheduled without real planning on my part. There were some elements I haven’t shared that could have added some complexity.

I know this COULD HAVE BEEN A DISASTER, and I accept completely that if it had, it would’ve been all due to my current state. As *wonderful* a person I am, my current state is <laughing> Not Stable I wasn’t visiting Relatives From Hell, but Good People. Who I didn’t want to hurt.

But for UNEXPECTED REASONS, it worked out better than I expected. In a way, I got lucky.

Was it really luck?

So I suppose, the question remains.

Did I get lucky?

Or did I just live life like most people do, and just assume that people have issues and nothing is perfect and we’ll deal with life as it happens?

Wellll, neither. I think something in between.

I can’t just live life yet “without thinking.” And I can’t just assume that I’ll always be lucky.

I have to take away what my therapist said. That I can evaluate situations quickly and that I can use my specific strengths. That one mistake doesn’t destroy a relationship. That people who are REAL people in your support system will give you some flexibility. And feedback. Good and bad. And hugs.

Everyone has their own story. Good shit and bad shit. Myriad different stories, but dammit, most of us share an awful lot in common as a result.

I am learning that dealing with all our relative shits brings a unique kind of camaraderie which I guess can be a positive thing if we allow ourselves the bravery to share it. And to gain strength and acceptance from it.

This is partly why I haven’t been here lately.

I’ve also truly learned what “fair-weather friend” means.  And how that shatters ability to trust.

It’s no one’s fault – I know how complicated this is, and I know how fucked up I am.  Shit from my head has started to come out first person and I am starting to lose it.   Finally the way they advise in therapy, lowering the wall, is just leaving me in confusion, chaos and rage.

I need advice.  Wednesday AM, I have to get on a plane for a trip to see family – haven’t been there in a while.  They don’t know anything.  It will be 24/7 – I am sleeping on their couch. Last time I was there, I was just “really tired” from a conference I’d just come from in the same town.  I felt so fake.  You guys know how this goes with all the threads of thought.

I am already going nuts and don’t think I can be “happy normal” for 4 days.  I am self-injuring with the stress of the trip and with my own rage inside.  Today was horrible.  Tomorrow is my birthday and it will suck.  I just need to somehow get through Sunday.

Right at this moment, trying to formulate these thoughts, is the most rational I have been able to achieve in more than a day.

Probably because I just realized that you all are the only ones I can truly talk to, and who can truly understand.

I am losing my ability to dissociate and “be normal”  and fake it.

I don’t know if it is even possible for me to find a way to even partly enjoy this trip, but 4 days of being fake to hide, I don’t know.  I’ve used that strategy a lot in the past, but don’t think it’s going to work this time.

Advice please.

Listening Inside

“Right now I don’t even want to run the race. Starting see new T, I like her, but feeling so overwhelmed. She told me to listen inside, god it freaks me out.”

Tell her it freaks you out (I say somewhat sternly but with hugs).  You’re gonna get there – being able to listen, but it has to be at your pace.  If you feel freaked out, you both need to take some baby steps to get started.  My therapist (the new GREAT one) has emphasized over and over that *I* need to tell her when I get uncomfortable – and we talk about why and how to make sure we are working together safely.

About listening – I’ve been in therapy for about 18 months.  CHECK THIS OUT – up until the last few 6 months or so, I rebelled against this idea of ACTIVELY listening inside.  Sometimes I *heard* things.  Kate yells things and interrupts (but has done so my entire life).  But I was extremely uncomfortable about actively *asking around* for an opinion.

But my therapist broached it gently.  One session I felt crazy about something and didn’t know why.  She asked me to ask inside.  First there was nothing.  She didn’t push it.

She *asked* me to *ask* inside.

Slowly I am letting down the wall and just waiting.  Often it isn’t a sentence, but a word or feeling that isn’t me.  But the words DO seem to address the question we are exploring.

…. so this idea of asking.  I would say, don’t CHASE it.  Just try to start relaxing, and eventually you might hear.  Don’t force it.

What is real?

“I go between thinking face this and doing an about turn. When I catch myself thinking this is real, and thinking about this with this in mind, I then get so mad at myself for thinking this way.”

Yup.  Still feel that sometimes.  The HARD part (for me anyway) is that sometimes *I* believe and sometimes *I* do not.  Understanding that *I* is not always *I* has been key.  Listening and feeling has allowed me to separate the *I*’s.  It isn’t always obvious until you start thinking about likes, dislikes, feelings, memories.

For example, my gut feelings about a certain person in my life are a VERY good indicator of who I am at that point.  When I feel *odd* or just left-of-center, strangely, I just think about that person and my feelings completely crystallize me!  Just like some people know by the clothes they have on (that’s me in a few cases), my FEELINGS or memories help me.

So, Mo and everyone else, it ISN’T that you HAVE to have an internal roll call with names and separate memories and completely different feelings.  Remember, it’s a continuum.

And just because you don’t always know why your feelings are a little left-of-center, doesn’t mean that this isn’t REAL.  It is.

That Periodic Denial

“It’s like it was so much easier to be in denial and block things out when no one else knew, now that three doctors that I deal with know and act like its so run of the mill, the most natural thing in the world to be like this, I freak and the blanket of denial is moth eaten, and no longer can block things out.”

Oh Mo (hugs).  Yes.  That’s me.  So common.  Welcome.

Often I want to run back to denial because it was easier.  Pushing through this is hard.  I didn’t realize sometimes how hard.  Sometimes I tell my mom and my therapist I’m gonna shove it back in the box, knowing full well that I really can’t anymore.  But sometimes I wish I could.

Your docs who thinks this is “the most natural thing in the world.”  I have to chuckle – my meds doc is just like that, and I was AMAZED!  He was so matter-of-fact!  It shocked me, but also continues to give me a foundation for myself. Sometimes it gives me strength to grasp that SOMEONE who is an expert has no doubt!  I keep thinking of him – Cami, this is real.  (Read: Accepting a Diagnosis of DID.)

… (oh, hugging me and you) … there is just so much I want to say in response to your comment.  There is such pain and confusion, but so a normal part of the process.

Beginning to see yourself(ves)

“I freak and the blanket of denial is moth eaten, and no longer can block things out.”

Wonderful imagery – this sentence is why I wanted to expand your comment into a post.

Your struggle is clear, but this sentence went into my heart because it feels to me like there is hope in you.  Not sure why I feel this way – like you are allowing yourself to peek through.  You aren’t looking for a new blanket.  I dunno – it feels like healthy progress to me.

Is the blanket really “moth eaten”?  Are the holes you peek through ragged on the edges because some meddling insect is picking away at you?

My therapist would ask me about the moths.  Are they bad things?  Good things?  I’m not a therapist, but maybe you should take that line you wrote up there and talk about the imagery.  Truly.

Accepting how you help yourself

“And now I have a fractured heel from running too much, but get this no pain at all, and apparently someone went to sports doc to get it looked at and is doing all these things on my behalf and I feel like my life is being totally run by someone else, I hate it, but yet when I say to myself enough, take control, I can’t seem to face things enough to be able to do it.”

That is scary, and it does scare me when something happens and I don’t have full memory of it.  Freaks me too, because I am so afraid I might have done something I wouldn’t do normally.  But most of the times I can at least watch from the background.  But, think about what you did – part of you helped you.  You were hurting and part of you helped remove your pain.  This is amazing!

(Okay, it would be even more amazing if you could remember it, I know.  But at least part of you isn’t doing self-injury while you aren’t there.)

Can you ask yourself inside to allow you to at least watch?  It might feel funny like you are talking to nothing, but you never know who is listening.

Your question of taking control … first thing is awareness.  My therapist and my husband have helped me reconstruct my missing memories by walking backwards from what I remember.  And walking forward to see what triggered me.  I have one trigger in particular that I have learned very well, and I don’t lose time much anymore because I can SEE IT COMING.  But that did take time to learn … but I DID IT!  I can SEE now what used to cause lost time.

Holding your own hand

“Sorry for rambling, my brain feels like its going to explode.”

Ramble all you want.  Rambling is good – getting your thoughts out.  Getting validation.  The exploding stuff – writing doesn’t help me when my head is going to explode, but I am learning things I can do to diffuse that sometimes.  Loud thumping music.  Sitting in a cold river.  Exercise.  Explore with your therapist things that might help YOU when you get to that explode state (and “explode state” is NORMAL!!!).

“I guess my question is how does one even get to the starting line of said race, dressed and ready to go with no fear “

Another wonderful sentence in so many ways.  You have such hope I can see, but such fear of the unknown.

The first thought put into in my mind, from another part of me, is to tell you, “Mo, you’ve already started.  You’re past the starting line.  There is no dress code – what you are wearing is fine.  And having fear is something required to get you to the starting line to begin with.”

Give yourself a small smile and a hug.  Truly, you are further along than you give yourself credit for.

Here is a quote that helps me:

“In recovery, sometimes there are no answers…just healthy fear.” – Tollefson, “What Recovery is Not“

- ∞ -

See also:

Table of Contents for all blog posts
Review: “What Recovery is Not” – Tollefson
Flame-Quenching “Move Along” Standard Disclaimer
Guest Book and Introductions

She writes:

I’m so frustrated right now. My therapist keeps saying stuff like this is just BPD and I don’t think she believes the PsyD assessment and dx. She is asking me to get a second opinion because she states I am “owning” the dx so much and she is worried about Iatrogenisis. I have agreed to get a second opinion if only to get everyone on the same page.

I am at the point that I truly believe I fall in either the DID or DDNOS are of the dissociative continuum but honestly, I don’t care what label you smack on it, I am still having the experiences I am having and I wish my therapist would look into this with an open mind instead of with suspicion.

My Psych Nurse Practitioner who manages my meds is stating that she is going to call the State Board (I am in the medical profession) and anonymously ask them if she needs to DISCLOSE my dx. I am freaking out!! She states that she doesn’t “have a clue” about dissociative disorders, so she’s going to call other people who have even less of a clue and then there is going to be a big issue made when there doesn’t need to be. VERY ANGRY…SCARED…FRUSTRATED. Thanks…but I really don’t want to be OUTED!!

I’m going to reply to your concerns in a couple ways – just like I will ask you to address your fears and frustrations about all this. First, from the emotional perspective – understanding that your feelings and this internal conflict is normal even though they are all over the board! And second, to pause. To break it down to see how we take steps forward to address these frustrations and fears.

Perhaps a small consolation, but you’re Normal

Let’s talk here about the emotional impact – your frustrations and fears. Everything you are feeling is “normal” – your thought process and concerns are valid – even feelings about your therapist and the nurse practitioner. (If you are like me, part of you will believe this as fact, and another part will rebel that you are somehow crazy. This is normal too.)

But first, who am *I* to say you are normal? I’m just one person. But you’re commenting on a blog read by lots of other folks who are/have been in exactly the same situation. And there are lots of other blogs and people. You’re not alone.

We all would let you know your pain and experiences are real and valid. Don’t let your (very valid and real) inner turmoil make you doubt yourself and your self worth. (Kate interjects, “Fck’em. They’re all assholes who are supposed to be helping us and they end up hurting us in the process.”)

So, make yourself stop right now, mid sentence, and suspend your mind. <Well actually, it’s the END of that sentence, but whose counting, right?>

Grrr. If this, my dear, is supposed to be a post to help someone understand and accept their value and to make a plan to go forward, does this of yours sarcasm really belong here?

<Humor is a salve. Dark humor gets us to laugh a bit and temporarily release some pressure. Don’t I sometimes give you no other choice but to laugh when you’re completely encircled in despair? Can’t my charm and delightful repartee cast asunder at least one microscopic iota of pain? Have I no worth myself?>

True. (Nods.) Humor good. Remember that light bulb joke?

So, with a microscopic pinhole of light and the hint of grounding hole, we step forward. Hard as it can be to find and grasp that tiny rope.

Self-worth

While therapists tell us we have value and that we should believe we’re worth healing, they can completely erase any promise of these words by their actions, such yours has done. Made you feel that your experience wasn’t quite true – she invalidated you. Sure, I don’t know her and your conversations, but if the result of those interactions has caused you to feel this way, then shame on her.

We should not have to PROVE ourselves to therapists. Therapists should help us discover ourselves and heal.

Proof? Who Proves What to Whom?

Hey, doctors frequently “prove” a diagnosis to a patient with facts – a blood test, and x-ray. Sure, I buy that. The news may be hard to hear, but if the conclusive diagnosis is cancer, let’s get the treatment underway post haste.

However, if patients have to prove to the doctors what’s wrong, then what the fck is going on in the world?

IMHO, welcome to the mental health system. In their defense, therapists must exercise different skills to make a diagnosis – x-rays won’t cut it. The symptoms of many diagnoses overlap. “Experts” around the world don’t agree on diagnostic criteria (DSM-IV vs. ICD-10). Some experts and therapists don’t believe in some diagnoses. Of those who do, only part are qualified to treat some diagnoses. My first therapist is a case-in-point. After I was diagnosed with DID, she didn’t tell me she wasn’t qualified, she tried to force me to accept something I didn’t believe, and our relationship ended disastrously because of how she handled it.

So that’s what practitioners’ ignorance and attempts to deal with things inappropriately (while believing that they are “doing the right thing”) can get you.

1) Major setbacks in your therapy
2) Renewed doubting yourself
3) Possibly inappropriate and illegal release of diagnostic information

All for a diagnosis so you can START YOUR FCKING THERAPY IN AN ENVIRONMENT OF TRUST AND MUTUAL RESPECT!

Sadly, horribly, we the patients are subject to all this insanity <heh, pardon me> in our quest for healing. More energy wasted on figuring out the number, that CODE, that goes on the damn insurance form, than the critical first steps of therapy itself!

It’s that whole bullshit “system” that uses labels and numbers for categorization and insurance purposes. For PAYMENT. That “system” is not aligned with what we need in order to heal!

This is a fundamental conflict that has spun my mind as well!

Takeaway? Your frustration is a direct consequence of the mental health and insurance systems.

It ain’t you. Doesn’t make the frustration any easier, but I hope it puts it in perspective.

Don’t accept any guilt or attack on your self-worth because all that is so fcked-up.

Outing

This topic is a biggie. Legalities aside, once the info is out of the bag, damage control is

Elysium offered,

“Unfortunately, if the diagnosis is disclosed it becomes more of a damage control thing, because the proverbial elephant in the room has been exposed and you can’t un-ring a bell. I believe this would be the same regardless of what field of work one is in.”

So what can we do?

Outing has a few areas to consider That I’ll meander through in another post.

* Legalities to protect our jobs if our employer finds out
* What protection we have
* How to deal with an outing

- ∞ -

See also:
Table of Contents for all blog posts
Flame-Quenching “Move Along” Standard Disclaimer
Problems that arise treating a DID patient without the skills to do so
Therapist consultation for dissociative identity disorder
Milestones in treatment for trauma: everyone is a fingerprint
Changing therapists – what to consider
Guest Book and Introductions

So when I heard this lyric the other day, it made me feel a little more real.   That I truly am learning pace and control.

But the race is not, for the swift
But who really can, take control of it †

Nearly 18 months ago when I struggled with the start of this therapy, I thought I could concentrate fully on it and just push through pretty quickly. Get on with life. Having had therapy experience himself, a friend at the time counseled me that this is not a sprint, but a marathon. I’ve since learned that it is even less than a marathon, but a meandering journey with fits and starts, but always generally leading towards peace and healing.

I’ve accepted that healing is a process that happens in its own dimension, somewhat distantly related to time. I’ve found periods of slow understanding that have solidified in me at an absorbable rate. Other times, I’ve been slammed horribly into understanding that has left me shaken and confused; sometimes completely off balance.

I’ve cursed both.

Slow steady progress is great for the turtle. Yes, every several months when I look backwards in time, I can see the healing process. But sometimes it’s frustrating. I want action, milestones, goals and plans. Let’s. Get. Going!

On the other hand, the rabbit speeding over the bumpy road nearly careening off the sides while somehow managing to stay on course … massive flashes of understanding and milestones galore .. at the expense of emotional overload.

Please, whatever therapy gods exist, balance these two for us.

So when I heard these lyrics during some massive cardio the other day, I reflected on my own course of therapy. That the massive flashes of understanding are important, although they temporarily interrupt life in a big way.  Sometimes more than I can handle.

But for each of these difficult realizations and associated healing, I’ve been very thankful after my period of anguish and hurt.  Much progress in a blast.  But I can’t take that level of “race pace” realizations for longer than a sprint or two at at time.

So the marathon, with interspersed floods of understanding and healing, seems to be a pretty effective marker of regular forward progress despite the challenges.

As long as we are making forward progress, it is good.

—

† “Union” by Black Eyed Peas featuring Sting, from the album “Monkey Business.”

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
- Horace Walpole

To wit,

And for those who “those” include these among many, the world is both a whirling cacophony of enmeshing realities and the absence of connected existence.
- Camigwen