When therapy becomes useless

Okay, so after months and months, I found the rage. That I have been encouraged to get in touch with for nearly a year. Now how the hell do I deal with it when the only solution offered is just to “keep coming to therapy?

Frustrations without answers

I have taken it out on other people (face ripping), objects (my car, drawers, etc.) and myself (cutting, scratching, punching things). I lost my best friend, for misunderstandings I don’t completely understand. The rage comes nearly instantaneously. For little stupid shit.

I feel out of control, suicidal, and as a result, have been well medicated. I have lost interest in anything I found relief in – my wonderful “positive” coping mechanisms. I had these “coping mechanisms” before I entered therapy – they are not a result of therapy. I have gotten worse and worse, a downward spiral since I started therapy.

So the rational part of me has looked for methods to deal with this. Done much research into treatment facilities who will deal with the rage in a protective manner. I do not feel safe letting go in my therapist’s office – it is her home, and not soundproof. I have told her this and why. I box, which calms things for a short period of time. But I have little endurance, and also balance and coordination problems due to the meds. I am numb in therapy, and feel more enraged as I walk out the door as when I went in because nothing is being accomplished.

I do not believe my therapist believes in DID. Yes, I can see “putting on a face” in certain situations is normal. I do not think she understands the feeling of someone else “taking over” so that things can be accomplished that you are unable to do. And then have only an idea of what happened, but not the full memory of it. But you know that things turned out okay. And then be repeatedly told that this is “all you” like this is somehow normal. Well, parts of “all of me” have felt rejected in that therapy room, and I have lost access to them.

She tells me that “anyone who comes is welcome” but also says “I don’t look any different” when someone else is there. ??? Isn’t part of this DX, for most people, coupled with intense hiding and shame? Except for those who are florid, or who flaunt it, do you really expect me to look different? She knows I have talked differently, dressed differently, and sometimes spoken about parts of me in the third person. What is she expecting? So, I do not believe she believes. And that erodes trust.

My meds doc, who has treated several people with DID, says I should be seen at least 2 times a week, and should be working on trauma memories. My therapist, who has treated no one with this severe a case of dissociation, sees me only once a week and does not address these memories. Apparently they talk to one another, so I don’t understand the disconnect.

My therapist says I am focusing on negative aspects of positive situations. Well, after being fcked over because I was blind to what was really happening, can you blame me for now being more vigilant for people trying to take advantage of me?

I am making no progress in therapy, my therapist has downplayed the effectiveness of in-patient therapy, does not recommend EMDR, and has offered me no other resources than to just “keeping coming” to therapy.

What bullshit. I find it useless to sit there in silence and accomplish nothing, have my attempts to find solutions not accepted, and no other solutions offered.

I am no longer interested in therapy that makes the situation worse.

It is time to stop.

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4 Comments»

  Karen wrote @

I’m sorry for your frustration with a therapist who missed the class on acceptance. The angry realization sounds like progress to me. There are resources to help you find a therapist who specifically works with trauma. You can also use these resources to learn the proven methods for treatment to put you in control in the interview process. Knowlege is power. Don’t let a therapist project their inadequacy as a professional onto you. That is just plain wrong.

I wish you continued success in connecting to your warrior self. -K

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Karen

Thank you for your feedback. Yes, finding the anger is progress. Since this blog entry, I have had several heated discussions with my therapist and am evaluating finding another. I have given her the task of identifying specifically what I can do in these situations. It is a frustrating process that changes day-to-day, and it’s inconsistency bothers me even more.

Thank you for your kind words.
Em

  Tigerweave wrote @

Feeling more enrages as you walk out the door than when you went in sounds Not Good.

What do you mean when you say the inconsistency bothers you more? is your therapist inconsistent? if so, how?

Best wishes in finding better treatment. I cannot see how you could begin to get better with the help of someone who doesn’t “believe” in DID (how cosy a world this lack of belief must keep it for her)

I know from what I read seeing a therapist twice a week is considered optimal for DID, but for govt mental health services that I have always had, they are only given allowance for once a week.
Fortunately there is 24 hour phone care available. When I was going through the worst of it I had my mum and Eddy on alert 24/7. I needed it.
I really like the idea of twice weekly. I think with more frequent therapy things might have been easier, quicker.

*hugs*

Stay safe.

[…] tagged: amnesia, DID, dissociative identity disorder, suicide, switching, therapy I lamented in a previous post that therapy has made things worse. For that “logical” reason, I decided to stop […]


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