Lessons learned in a therapuetic relationship gone wrong

I had the last session with my therapist yesterday. We are at an impasse, and it’s time for me to find someone else. Or stop therapy all together. I have not decided. But I have learned some valuable lessons I would like to share about relationships and communications with therapists.

If you recall, my issue was that I had lost trust in the relationship, and was trying to find a way to get it back. I relayed this problem to my therapist, and told her I was considering ending therapy if I could not find the answer. She encouraged me to seek elsewhere if I could not find the trust. I told her I would think about it and try to identify the issues that bothered me, so we could talk about it and I would be better informed to make a decision. She agreed that was a good idea.

So, I researched trust and the foundation of good therapeutic relationship, and I shared my findings with you in my post, The ability to trust with DID in therapy and in real life. I also developed a list of questions I sent to my therapist and also presented them in my post, Changing therapists – what to consider. I felt that if we could discuss these issues, that my ability to reestablish trust could be decided with the answers to these questions. I thought long and hard about these questions, especially since I had not asked some when I first started with her. Others were issues that I could finally put words around. I thought we were ready for a positive discussion.

In my session on Monday, we started with the list. I shared her answers to some of these questions in this post, Changing therapists – my therapist responds. What *I* did not realize at that session was that she was already upset at the list of questions, but she held off until Wednesday to hit me with her anger.

I am not going to share the details of that blow-up. It isn’t particularly relevant. But I will share what I learned.

1) Presenting information

First, my therapist thought my email questioned her competence, and she relayed that she was “professionally and personally offended” at the email. I could not understand why she thought so, especially since the “hard” questions were recommended online by reputable organizations.

With her knowledge, I then sent the email to my parents and my best friend – all thought the questions were not offensive and a good therapist should not have had a problem answering them. But they did say (and I agreed) that the questions were pointed questions – my mom said she saw the black-and-white engineer in me asking concrete questions, and she asked if that was the same person my therapist saw each week. Who knows.

Mom also offered that she works with mental health professionals and that they have to use different words and interactions – “BH Speak” is how they jokingly refer to it – “Behavioral Health Speak.” My father said she should not have been upset, and used Anne Sullivan and Helen Keller as an example – Anne put up with a lot but she essentially dissociated herself from the personal stuff and ended up helping Helen tremendously without being offended.

So, the take-home messages on this one:

a) If you have “interview” questions, ask them on the first session. If you have no idea what to ask, go to a website with good questions as a starting point, and WRITE DOWN THE ANSWERS. If you are like me, you have memory problems, and my therapist was not happy be questioned on some of these issues a second time.

b) If you are a logical person like me (or, as ONE OF US is in here), then don’t send the list of questions as an email. My therapist was so upset that how I presented the list that she repeated at least 3 times that it was “a 2-page single spaced email that questioned her competence.”

If I were to do this again, I would not share the list of questions in writing all at once, but would ask them one at a time, verbally. Then it doesn’t seem like such a dump on them.

A mentor once explained to me what really happened when I had a disagreement with a co-worker – that we had different learning styles. He offered that one way to think about how people interact is to assess how they take in information. According to Garner, mentioned here, people can be classified as visual learners, auditory learners, or tactile/kinesthetic learners.

  • ŸVisual learners assimilate information visually, take detailed notes, think in pictures, need to see to learn. They often sit in the front of a class to avoid visual distractions.
  • ŸAuditory learners learn best through verbal communications and attach extra meaning based on tone, inflection, etc. Written information “has little meaning.”
  • ŸKinesthetics learner through interaction, exploring, gut feelings, and often have to digest information over time.

I (the engineer) am clearly an information gathering visual and I think my co-worker was a kinesthetic learner. My mentor explained that overwhelming that personality type and wanting answers immediately is not possible – they need time to consider it and don’t deal well with the style of the fast-talking visuals who want to make a decision now. (Emily is kinesthetic, but it was me who worked so I didn’t have the ability to feel that first-hand.)

I learned a good lesson that day, but I apparently forgot it with my therapist. I am a visual, and I think she is an auditory. As the kids say, my bad.

2) Therapist’s Style

A very important question to ask a potential therapist is how well they deal with a patient bringing different ideas into the therapy sessions. I am clearly a researcher and she has said she is okay with me doing research. But when I reported what I had learned about trust and the common issues found with DID patients in Frehrich’s study, she did not embrace any of it. What I got repeatedly is that “everyone is a fingerprint and the therapy for each is different.” I pushed back that when I identify with these common elements and feel relieved that, within the realm of this diagnosis, I feel “normal.”

I also offered something that might have helped during my last crash. She was not happy about that, saying that she doesn’t treat to the diagnosis. She later denied saying this, but her original statement is one of a handful that is burned into my brain because of my surprise at hearing it.

When I asked about her training and how she approaches DID specifically, I was not questioning her competence – I wanted to know her thoughts and knowledge of the treatment guidelines put forward by the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD).

The Guidelines presented a broad outline of what to date [2005] was considered to be effective treatment for Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). These Guidelines are not intended to replace clinical judgment. However, they summarize expert consensus concerning safe and effective treatment for DID patients.

ISSTD rightly states that clinical judgment is important, however they provide guidelines based on expert input of effective treatment. My therapist has stated that her clinical judgment is the only indicator, and that I should be evaluating her abilities based on my last 9 months with her. I agree that is a consideration – she did help me tremendously. But when it came to some uniquely DID issues that were out of the trauma realm she was familiar with, our relationship fell apart.

She informed (yes, I chose this word specifically) me that she has over 20 years experience treating individuals with dissociation and trauma (but none with DID). When I ask about training and about successes in people she has treated, I have gotten the same answer the two times I have asked this question, “One third of the people in therapy are there because of trauma.” Yes, I know that. But you are avoiding the question. What about severe dissociation/DID?

As a consumer who wants to be informed, I wanted to know what she thought of these guidelines, how her treatment plan coincided with them, and where she felt her approach was more suited for my particular “fingerprint.” I have no idea why asking this is bad. The only reason I can think of is that she somehow feels threatened; that perhaps she has some hidden concerns about her ability to treat me, and that is why she will not engage in these conversations. Or that she is not aware of the guidelines and (as she told me last week) she is not going to spend more time researching this.

I will note that she was a great therapist for many of the PTSD and trauma issues, but her abilities were not strong in the area of severe dissociation.

Take home message:

Make sure that your therapist is open to discussion and consideration of different ideas, if this is important to you. Also ask how your therapist approaches guidelines from an international society (for whatever for DX is). As my friend says, if he has cancer, he wants to know the doctor’s qualifications, success rate, treatment history, etc.

3) Ability to accept information that contradicts their views

My therapist accused me of “picking a fight” with her when I questioned if I should have done all this research when she didn’t feel any of it applied to me. I had fallen back against the couch and made this statement, resigned. She viewed this as picking a fight. She got angry and that’s what started the “I am questioning her competence thing.” When I relayed how I saw it, I was informed that my perception was not what happened. That I remembered it differently, and that her memory is different. With the implication that my memory problems are the reason for the problem, that that her memory is the valid one. How insulting.

But anyway, she made an assertion that I did not agree with and did not feel inside. She said I had to “own this” in order to proceed in therapy. Then she generalized the assertion as the reason why I had some disagreements with friends and family. What absolutely set me off was the generalization. So, with her knowledge and her actual accusation (which she confirmed with me in writing), I went to my friends and family. They all said no, that is not me. Not at all. When I returned to present this information, she discounted it completely. She said that she knows what she observed, and that I had to own it.

So, this is a roundabout way of saying that *I* need a therapist who can re-evaluate what they have asserted, based on independent information, and admit that maybe, perhaps, they might have drawn a conclusion that wasn’t completely right. She refused.

Now I will note that this “picking a fight” assertion happened ONCE. She has never raised this issue. So I am surprised why she would be so insistent that I “own” it, and so insistent in generalizing it to people outside of the therapy room who she had never met.

So, I offered a compromise. I said (in writing) that I would like to explore why she felt this way, why she thought I “picked at fight” so maybe I could see where she was coming from. Tell me what led up to it so I can connect the dots. She countered that we could not explore why it occurs until I see it. She wrote, “It is hard to explore the reasons it occurs before the acknowledgement.” So, chicken and the egg.

What kind of a “relationship” can you have when your therapist will not try to see things through your eyes, or the eyes of independent observers? But insists on sticking to “their professional opinions”?

<Listen lady, all due respect, we have been forced to “accept” things we did not want or like in our past – don’t try to force you views on us in therapy. We “own” a whole shitload of trauma. Be constructive, be supportive, don’t shove it down our throats.>

Being dictorial only raises the wall even higher.

Take home message:

Choose a therapist who believes in give and take, and who is open to accepting feedback that does not agree with their findings or “professional” opinion. Who doesn’t force you to “own” something you do not see on the first instance it occured, but helps you understand it in a non confrontational manner.

The End

I believe this relationship exploded because of personality styles and that neither of us was willing to concede to the other. I was very upset at her accusations because I thought she overreacted. She thought I was picking fights. If she had just thrown me one little bone, that perhaps my motivations were not quite what she asserted based on the feedback I got from friends and family, I would have believed that the relationship could survive give and take. But clearly, it cannot.

References

International Society for the Study of Dissociation. (2005). [Chu, J.A., Loewenstein, R., Dell, P.F., Barach, P.M., Somer, E., Kluft, R.P., Gelinas, D.J., Van der Hart, O., Dalenberg, C.J., Nijenhuis, E.R.S., Bowman, E.S., Boon, S., Goodwin, J., Jacobson, M., Ross, C.A., Sar, V, Fine, C.G., Frankel, A.S., Coons, P.M., Courtois, C.A., Gold, S.N., & Howell, E.]. Guidelines for treating Dissociative Identity Disorder in adults. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 6(4) pp. 69-149. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, Vol. 6(4) 2005 Available online at /www.haworthpress.com/web/JTD doi:10.1300/J229v06n04_05), accessed from http://www.isst-d.org/education/treatmentguidelines-index.htm

Putintseva T. (2006). The Importance of Learning Styles in ESL/EFL, The Internet TESL Journal, Vol. XII, No. 3, March 2006, accessed from http://iteslj.org/Articles/Putintseva-LearningStyles.html

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15 Comments»

  Catatonic Kid wrote @

It sounds like you handled this in a very sensible way, though no doubt it’s very upsetting to have a relationship blow up like that. I think, as you say, it’s a personality clash which is unfortunate but it’s a trial and error thing this therapy business.

Even if you ask all the ‘right’ questions beforehand it can still end up that you’re not a good fit for one another. It’s just the way of life – we can’t all be friends, and not all therapists are created equal

. I’ve tried quite a few clinical psychologists over the years, and I really think that the best sign you’re going to be able to negotiate the ‘big’ issues like trust together is that they agree that you are the expert on yourself. If they’re telling you, however subtly, that you don’t know you then it’s not a good sign. Therapy is meant to be a collaborative endeavour, not simply giving someone the keys to your kingdom, so to speak. They can have all the expertise in the world but unless they really believe that you know you then there isn’t much hope for that expertise translating into valuable changes in your life.

You have to want to change for therapy to work, and in order for that desire to be there you need to feel as though your therapist supports all of you, values your input and won’t insist that their take is always the definitive one.

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Catatonic Kid

Wow – great comment! I understand that the match is critical, and trial and error plays a part. I had just tried so hard because I had 9 months invested in this, and now I have to start all over again. But it is the right thing.

I just LOVE your recommendation that this be collaborative and that the therapist should acknowledge that you are the expert on you – that is EXACTLY what went wrong, but I couldn’t put that in words. It’s like she didn’t allow me to resonate with the literature, and discounted when I felt I learned something outside of a session and brought it in.

I understand my memory problems may prevent me from seeing some aspect of myself and that makes it challenging for me to “own” something I don’t see – but then HELP me to see it in myself, don’t just force me to accept it and THEN we can work on it.

It also does not help that different parts of me ended up in therapy on different days. I don’t think she could deal with that, and honestly, I had problems with it too sometimes. She could deal very well with the quiet and hurt birthchild, but not the intense engineer. And who do you think showed up on the final day of therapy? heh heh.

Thanks for the great comment – it will go into my next list of questions (which I will NOT email ahead of time!)

  kprsjohn wrote @

a therapist, whether a psychologist or psychiatrist or a social worker is just another person and if their people skills suck or they have an attitude of I am right no matter what the relationship is doomed to halting at some point in time. We agree, the only expert on each of us is ourself and the T s/b helping us become even better experts on ourselves. Too often they try to categorize us and pigeonhole us and then get upset when we don’t accept their filing system. we feel you were in your rights and they were way too “sensitive”, anyway we think you handled it quite well.

peace and blessings

keepers

  Tigerweave wrote @

Wow, what a journey!

I missed the post on the 3rd June where you talked about the discussion with the therapist and ended it with what the guy who diagnosed you said. The contrast between how you talked of him compared with how you talked of her was pretty startling. It sounded like you really have confidence in this guy that he knows what he is doing and can help you.

Some further thoughts:

* Your response to catatonic kid where you say:
************
I understand my memory problems may prevent me from seeing some aspect of myself and that makes it challenging for me to “own” something I don’t see – but then HELP me to see it in myself, don’t just force me to accept it and THEN we can work on it.
***************

I agree totally. One of the hardest things I have found is sorting out what is me and what has been forced on me from the abuse, and there is no way I would, these days, accept some other person’s definition of myself (which is what she was doing) that I cannot see in myself. (Coz quite frankly *every time* that has happened, time proved them wrong) And from the sounds of it, you were very right, after researching it (looking at yourself, gathering opinions of those you trust) to not accept it.

*A word on trust… it just occurred to me one of the best things therapy has helped me with is to trust *myself*. Trust in self is the same skill as trust in others, but even more important. And it sounds like she was undermining your trust in yourself, not facilitating it. Let alone teaching you the skills of self-trust. The psychologist I recently parted ways with undermined my trust in myself, which is why it became so hard to trust my feeling that he was not good for me and get out of it.)

*Asking questions of the therapist… yeah BTDT. Doesn’t necessarily work because they can have all the right answers down pat at the beginning. If they are private practitioners, they are essentially relying on getting clients to come to them for their livelihood. This is how the psychologist I recently parted ways with operated.

However over the course of the sessions it became clear that although he had the right answers he was not *practising* those answers. Hence it all came to grieve.

* Your now-ex-therapist said you were suffering a setback because you are finally dissociating slightly less from your anger? Every therapist I have had good help from thinks this point is *brilliant* and teach skills to start nibbling away at that anger, help it be a positive force in your life, not negative, and dealing with it in (hopefully) bitesized pieces.

Her incompetence does not sound like a setback for anyone but her income.

* When you mentioned somewhere she was not prepared to spend any more time researching it, that was a huge “red flag”. She has never treated anyone with such severe dissociation as you but she is not prepared to research it further to make sure she is getting it right? That defies reason. And is insulting to you, and unprofessional.

*I never had a therapist who had a problem with me researching outside of their office. In fact I had one therapist loan me a whole heap of psychologist journals to help me on my way.

And last but not least, if it helps any, I don’t usually react badly to written words (just not a visual learner *grins*) but reading this post made a lot of us in here feel very very ill.

Why? She was telling you she knows you better than you know yourself. And when you demanded proof, she, in her position of power as your therapist, started undermining you.

That is very wrong.

Best wishes in your search for a competent therapist 🙂

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Oh tigerweave!

I can always count on some wonderful insight from you, and your comment just lifts me up so much!

You just hit so many nails on the head. You could have been my ghost writer for that one, as you were much more able to put into words the very ideas I was unable to verbalize since I was WAY to close to it at the time.

Yes, you and kprsjohn both said it so good – who knows you best but you? A setback and a milestone need to be assessed according to the diagnosis and the individual! Don’t force ANYTHING on us – if you see it, help us understand it. And perhaps something she seemed COMPLETELY unable to consider inside herself was that perhaps ONE of me WAS aware of what she wanted me to own, but who was in there that day was not. Never occurred to her, or to me. But if *she* is the professional…(oh, I am so *bad*)

I am sorry I said some hard stuff that upset some of you…but knowing you as I do, I can suspect who was saying what!

Thank you so much for spending the time writing your thoughts so clearly and also capturing the perspective of someone who is multiple, rather than a generic view.

My best dear tigerweave…
Emily

  behindthecouch wrote @

Hi, I first read this post a while ago and I keep coming back to it. It’s so insightful – there are a lot of therapists out there that can’t deal with clients wanting more information about and control over the process. It seems that you approached this intelligently and she didn’t know how to handle you.

It feels like you made the right decision both rationally and emotionally.

Thanks again for a great post.

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Hi behindthecouch

Yes, after having this experience behind me for a couple of months, I know it was the right one. Feels right in my gut. I told my husband the other day that I felt bad about how it ended. We both had triggered one another and it blew up the last couple of sessions. I knew in my gut it had to end, and I believe now that she was trying to “fire” me without be explicit – she wanted it to be MY decision, not hers.

If we could have been a little more open with one another about what was happening “behind the scenes” (or behind the couch!) at the end, I think it would have worked out much better.

Thanks for writing!
Emily

  The intelligent client (soapbox moment) « Behind the Couch wrote @

[…] Transference | Tags: My therapy, Psychotherapy, Therapy, Transference |   My thanks to Emily for the inspiration for this […]

  tarf wrote @

Emily —

Great post. Very insightful. Remarkably so. I may comment more later.

Just a quick question: where are you in birth order in your family — and where in birth order are some of the DID selves? And where was this therapist? This scenario has all the feel of a clash of two firstborns.

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Hmmm. Could be so. I am first born of two children…clearly. 😉

Some of the selves…well, the one who initiated a lot of the contention (in many ways not realizing it as so forceful, although not quite the right word), is a first born.

But an interesting question…as I hear the question inside, not very many claim that. The birthchild is, insistent but not in your face.

Hmmm. As I ponder and listen, there are 3 in approx 10 who consider themselves first born, and I would tend to agree. Each have some strong role, either intellectually or physically (protective).

You really raise an interesting question that requires some more thought.

As for my therapist…was she a first born. At first glance, perhaps. But my sense is that she is not … in the end, she accused me of trying to prove I was smarter than she was. In a sense, Kate did. I think the therapist felt inadequate and was trying to justify something..some lack or confidence perhaps.

But your thinking has a lot of merit.

Thanks for a thought(s) provoking comment!

Cami/Em

  David wrote @

Wheeeeeeeeeew …. this is just so disappointing, as far as how your therapist handled this. For one thing, no therapist EVER has the right to be “offended” or “hurt” by a client’s questions. Secondly, a good therapist will be very up front about his or her track record with treating the issue the client is there to address, because part of the therapist’s job is to provide a perspective both of hope and of reality for someone who may be profoundly out of touch with those things. And thirdly … it’s pretty arrogant for someone who has never had a DID client to think she knows how to treat DID. Again, IMO, a true professional would have referred you to someone else when it became clear that you were presenting with a condition outside her area of experience.

It sounds to me as though the therapist needs therapy and further training, particularly around issues of counter-transference.

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Hi David

Yeah, this is all much clearer to me now. I wish I had done my homework up front. But I didn’t know that there was even homework to do.

Too bad there isn’t some sort of “what to expect and what to ask” kind of thing that the THERAPIST hands to you. I know there are online, but if you don’t know to ask…..

Thanks for commenting!

Em

  Gudrun wrote @

Hi Emily, what a brilliant post. It would be really an great idea to put your thoughts into a little booklett as a guide ‘how to find the right therapist for you’. you are right, often people don’t know that there are questions to ask. Also, therapists are so familiar with therapy (at least they should) that they don’t think about all the things clients DONT know. Congratulations to another great post.
Cheers
Gudrun

  rdrunner68 wrote @

Interesting topic and so relevant to me right now. I have to come clean here and say that I am a part of I guess what is called a main part or host that has been posting on here, and the funny thing is while using a fake name on here she actually used my name and didnt know 🙂

Anyway she has been gone since Dec 31, I think, last seen then at primary doc office.
She has been struggling with dx, and then I think xmas etc finally was enough. Anyway its been me dealing with everything and on feedback recieved from docs I am doing a good job, Iv been in this position before but not this length of time. My therapist knew it was me I just recently admitted it was me as before I would pretend to be host (sneaky I know). I also let my p doc know, and she was great. I told her as I had a little bit of a crisis and needed help. My therapist had to leave town on short notice emergency.

Now I am a huge researcher, so we are not very different there, in fact we are more alike then I thought, except that she is alot more tactful then me and tends not to speak her mind and go along with things. Anyway, I had done alot of research, journals that have arti cle for leading experts. I have read guide lines etc on the issd site. Now given our background, I know these guide lines do not fall from the sky, but are developed through evidence based research. Skip back to therapy…this lady does not specialise in DID, but ptsd, and dissociation involved with that. On discovering our DID, she admitted that, said she would not be offended if host want to work with someone else, but that given that she understand dissociation she was willing to learn etc. Host was soo nervous about changing and dx etc, so she really didnt say anything, (I think, Im pretty sure). T also said that the program we were seeing her under, we were only supposed to see her for 1 year, its been almost 4!, is dx which all came about because of my promtping, I am aware of most things with host, and others .she never mentioned this before, she said that its better to ask forgiveness instead of permission and that noone checks records etc. Seie I think this is kinda weird and setting off alarm bells, what if they did check books and they told her therapy has to end, that would leave host out in the cold.
Anyway fast forward, needing help, p doc arranged for me to see shrink who actually did the testing and specialising in DID. I was so nervous going was convinced she would put me in Hospital. Anyway she was bloody brilliant
She was matter of fact, straight forward, was able to answer all my questions and help me understand alot, I told her I had research her…she really liked that, asked me what I found, I told her about my research and reading the guidlines (which she lead me too as she is an active member of isstd etc, she loved it, encouraged more, gave me info, gave me stuff on internal communication.
We talked about my issues a bit and she gave suggestion and tips but in a way that sort of said, what ever works for you. She even said she felt it would be good if me and host could sail the ship together, I would be an asset in many ways

ok now regular T is back, I see her, I realise while she was away I was getting increasling aggitated and angry every time I went there (im slow at figure out the emotions stuff). I realised that Im anxious and all of the above because I never know what to expect when I go there, there is no step by step process in place.

another thing that drives me nuts is when she starts with the it wasnt your fault line….jesus on a bike….I know that, I have heard millions of times, I have told myself that , but I dont feel it, I want to be given the tools or shown the tools that will help me do that. I believe that we have to do the work a T teaches us the skills and guides us right ?

When I arrived at last therapy session she said today we are both shakey (she had a death in family)so we will muddle through. Instant almost rage on my part which I am proud to say I controlled. Now I am not a complete moron and understand there is an impact to having someone die. But now I know how I precieved that was …dont dump anything on me today, as I cant handle it….that was my life with my mother, dont upset your mother…that was the unspoken rule in our house, as I suffer greatly because of it. Now in fairness I know T would not have know that or even thought about that, but it really set me off. I know my perception is off I realise its an issue for me.

Then lots of thinking, working on what brilliant shrink gave me, and consulting guide lines, So here is what \I have done, I now am talking to 4 others. We talked about the goals and rules like respect, communication, co operation etc. Now only one really understands what is going on, the others are fighting their own battle so to speak. But me and the one who knows, work some things out, we now have a safety contracted between us, there are some safety issues. i have been told there are others but they are off limits .

Two had names that abuser used to call them, and now they have names they have picked themselves, I could not stand that they had these names that were derogotory(good researcher bad speller ).

One is so scared etc, I have offered to be her voice if she is too afraid to speak. Told p doc, going in for some test etc do to actions of one.
and me I have to start eating…the body I guess has lost alot of weight, I have not been eating and its at the point where its starting to be unhealthy. Its been hard and only two days that I have been eating, but I am determind to stick to my part of the bargin.

The others feel the same way about not know what to expect, thats what our whole life was like, waiting to see what was going to happen and reacting…it produces tremendous anxiety.

So god this is really a long post sorry, but hopefully will get some input. Given all of that, we have decided we do not want to continue going to this T, we want an expert, we deserve an expert. Now host was invited to this meeting we had, no show, she is still hiding out somewhere. We want to consider her opinion and care about it, but if she is not willing to move forward is it fair that we stay stuck because of that ?

Called T, was going to send email but felt alittle guilty about that, so I told her we were done, she asked why, I just said that I felt we were not a fit, how can you say, Im not comfort

  rdrunner68 wrote @

jes sorry about that messed up typing…well its not like I could say we are not comfortable seeing someone that we know more about DID than, see Im learning the tact thing 🙂 we really do though and she has even joked about it but I think it makes her uncomfortable. She asked that I keep appt. as she wants to discuss it, she said that I dropped a huge bomb on her and she needed time to think about it and then discuss it in person (who is in therapy her, is this meeting for her or my benefit). She did say she thought I should continue to see someone until I find someone (I know who I want, the brilliant shrink but not sure If that is possible yet).
It cant be her I just know that and accept it. I do like her she is a nice person, but I just cant keep going there. I hate the fact that I feel when she looks at me she feels sorry for me (i know this is my perception) but it drives me batty. We are buying a punching bag for someone who really needs it and I probably could use it too. We are currently researching about self injury to try and help one with that.

Anyway we agreed to go, but we are sticking to our guns, I feel good about recognising what I and the others need and taking the steps. We have to move forward with or without host part at this point I feel and with a fantastic supportive p doc if its a while before we start seeing someone else I think we can do it. i have never felt happier or more relaxed since making this decision, and now I dont feel so alone either. I wonder what appt will bring, I will be practicing at keeping my cool, be clear in what I want to say, it will be me, unless someone not in on this manages to take over, that might be a disaster I admit, but one of us assures me that she will make sure its me and if i start to lose (I get fruastrated easily) it she will step in.

not sure if added anything to lessons learned but maybe after the apt I will. Any objective input would great…sorry for hogging all your space Emily !


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