Nasty Comments about my “Cemented Pearls of Pain”

“This blog is creepy, beyond creepy. I feel like I just crawled out of a shit ridden toilet filled with your cemented pearls of pain.”

A recent reader offered this wonderfully constructed sentence embodying a cornucopia of foul emotions all at once. It’s actually really good stuff. Except for the fact that the toilet she crawled out of appears to be one of her own making.

<Perhaps we should give Stephen King a call -“A strangled flush in the night gave way to the wafting malodorous hint that the Blog That Shat Pearls of Pain was to “[reep] havoc … stalking a family member …”>

But I digest.

Warnings and all that crap

<standard disclaimer>

Flame alert. Sarcasm alert. Goddess of Brilliance and Wonder alert. If you can’t take the heat, move along. In the immortal words of Echo, “Flames will be used to light the ritual fire and roast marshmallows.”

</standard disclaimer>

This writer’s meandering comment spewed anger and malice – not sure I even want to approve it. It’ll just piss you off with it’s ridiculousness and leave you thinking, WTF? Where did all this come from?!?

I don’t know what motivates a complete stranger to leave a comment filled with such animosity. Why am I even writing a post about this? Why waste my time? Well, while she vomits on for 606 words in 13 paragraphs about my “cemented pearls of pain,” and asserts that all of us with blogs “flame … [t]he entire DID community,” she actually offers one tiny pearl worthy of discussion.

[And those cemented pearls of pain are my own. Mine. Not fodder for some little half-wit hiding behind her computer screen. <(colorful and satisfying expletive deleted) Heh heh.>]

<But first – I must bask in the evilness that I am>

This is the fun part. It would be bad for me to pick apart her diatribe without letting her accusatory words stand on their on. You decide – not fair for me to claim I’m All That.

<Oh, fun joy and happiness! Enough rope to hang themselves with. That whole petard thing. Whhhhaat, me? Engage in Internet Libel? Nahhhhh, I’m not guilty of libel if I am simply repeating their own words.>

Let me make sure I have captured the essence of all the accusations. I flame, hurt others, have spammed, gossiped, don’t care, am competitive <well DUH>, am looking for attention <shut up>, am “freeking cruel and evil,” and an “insane predator.”

<Damn. And Halloween is over. Already put Freddy back in the drawer.>

And dear readers, she reminds us that,

“[A]ll blogs are meant for perverts.”

<Sickos – all of you. You should be ashamed.(Stepping carefully back down into gutter (I mean, shit ridden toilet.) from whence I came.>

“[Your blog] is spammed to members trying to heal through open discussion on good and safe support boards.”

Perhaps this ENTIRE BLOG is just a massive collection of my Known Psychotic Episodes.

“[F]eeaking cruel and evil you are to even dare to put this blog out into the public arena and especially anywhere near support boards.”

<Eek! YOUR forum server is sitting next to MY blog server… >

You “have gone beyond all human lengths of calling attention to yourself.”

<?!? Oh, lemmee please please have the super human powers? (just a sec…)>

<I, Kate, the Goddess of Brilliance and Wonder, call to me supernatural powers Beyond All Human Lengths to guide my Muse of Wisdom and Sarcasm. (God I crack myself up.)>

Anyway.

So who the fck are you to trash her here?

Hmmm. I have to ask myself, why am I writing this? Is this just some excuse for me to open the floodgates for another rip-roaring session of Rip Yer Face Off?

*rolls eyes.* No.

I wrote this post for two reasons. 1) She has a valid point about an attribution, and 2) We are back to the Internet Libel and threats. Let’s start with the good stuff.

Reason for this post, #1: A valid point

Amid this meandering and somewhat amusing diatribe, this writer offers:

“[A]re you just some insane predator that gets off on humiliating others, copying littles’ posts to this piece of sh#t blog …”

Ahhhhhh, now I know what triggered the verbal vomit.

She is referring to my post called Looking for Attention, Baby Talk and Fakers in DID. And she’s right. Well, not about the “piece of sh#t” part, IMHO, but the “copying littles’ posts” part.

<Oh god, why don’t you just say SHIT!? JHC on a popsicle stick. You’ll say I’m an insane predator but you can’t say shit?>

I did copy a little’s post. The quote was offered to me as an example of Little’s Speak, and I went online to see if it was really a quote, or just a made-up or reconstructed sentence. I found it’s real.

In the first draft of my post, I had referenced the quote <as you know I will reference farts coming out of my own ass (sorry, a$$) if they had something important to say>, but on second thought, I decided that there wasn’t a reason for me to include the link. I wasn’t quoting content, but providing an example. (Didja know that petard means “a loud discharge of intestinal gas,” as well as the more idiomatic “Hoist one’s self up by”… i.e., be undone by one’s own devices?)

Maybe I was wrong. I realize now, sincerely, that perhaps I was discriminating by leaving out the reference. Me, someone with DID, who CLEARLY takes contributions and editorials from inside, should NOT be overly-cautious about misrepresenting another alter who is making public comments. Maybe because *I* would be embarrassed if I had an alter who participated in forums like this, I somehow assumed my embarrassment would be shared by an adult alter in that system. And as such, I didn’t provide the reference because of my misguided notion to protect them both.

That was hard for me to admit. I mean really, who the hell am I?

So let me correct my mistake from before:

“i don fink dat bes nis wut juni sa nono i duz lov tiny an i don se hrz in lon lon daz i wis i cud se herz y tiny don com pla no mor huh mabe tiny don lik mez no mor o i bez sad.”

– IamUs. (2006). “o dat bad wut juni sa,” [forum post], HealthyPlace, http://forums.healthyplace.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=65912&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1 (accessed November 11, 2008)]

Buuut, (*head spins*) on the other hand she says, “Then someone might recognize a name and actually trust reading the blog and find the kind of shit I just read here – and even to the point of flaming support boards.”

I thought she meant if I “revealed” IamUs’s name, but it’s already public. I have absolutely no clue what she is talking about. Names, public forums, blogs are all freely available and searchable unless they are password protected or require registration. Please show me proof of flaming. <Else, shut the (expletive deleted).>

<Friendly Reminder to our Viewers! What goes on in the internet, STAYS in the internet.>

I found posts I made in 1990 that are still stored on a server somewhere. That was almost 20 FCKING YEARS AGO! Amazing. Nothing ever goes away.

If ya don’t want it searchable and available on the internet for all times, don’t post it.

Reason for this post, #2: All joking aside

In all seriousness, there are a few accusations that give me pause. For anyone to write items like this, just saddens me. Either what she writes is true (oh dear reader, you be the judge, but then you are all perverts anyway) or she has found herself in a deep hole of crisis. I mean this with no sarcasm, but with genuine concern.

“Realize that you (personally) are hurting others to the point of SU [Suicide] / SI [Self-Injury], and you f#@ing know it.”

<Whoa. Back up the fcking truck.>

If you had posted this on a forum, I would chase you down and contact your internet provider with formal action. This is completely unacceptable and irresponsible.

If you’ve read my meanderings on internet libel, you’ll recognize this statement is WELL WITHIN the realm of libel and would stand up to legal scrutiny. Besides being (personally) repulsive.

“This piece of sh#t blog that should be blown up, as far as I am concern[ed]… the kind of shit I just read here”

Threats of violence on the internet are never very welcome, and becoming illegal.

<…and Ding Ding Ding! We have another winner in the Let’s Find the Internet Libel Game! Tell these lovely contestants what they have won!>

“Or are you just some insane predator that gets off on humiliating others”

Predator. Sigh. Way more than a majority of the people who read this blog have been abused by predators. (But not insane.)

<If you, dear commenter, could actually call ME a predator, what kind of sad, twisted, demented person are you? Why not just go ahead and call me a rapist? (expletives removed.)>

(Note. What I just wrote was not internet libel. It is considered “protected opinion” and is allowed.)

Do we know this person?

“I am embarrassed beyond words that I ever, ever, ever was stupid enough to call any of you friends.”

“I can say that I have finally found a time when I actually hate someone for what they do to others.”

Huh?!? There may be a lot of amnesia around here, but WTF? We are/were friends? Based on the type of drivel you spew? I don’t even KNOW you!

<Gak (squeegeeing off imagined ooze and slime.)>

Hate is an extremely strong emotion, and in my opinion, reserved for a special class of “people,” and I use that term only to indicate they were born and drew breath on this planet. I only truly hate 5 people in the world.

<Three of them are people whose testicles I’d enjoy turning into maracas. Then I’d embed the rhythmic background of impending doom in this post if I actually believed I’d done anything to generate more than a few pissed off readers who were so tied up in their own need to be seen as exalted experts that they’d lost track of their own humanity and thus all of ours.>

“Have a good f@#*ing life… You are one sick f***cking puppy is all I have to say”

<Ah, yeah. If I weren’t bored of all this by now, I’d consider analyzing why f@#*ing is different from f***cking.>

But what’s the trigger for all of this?

Clearly, this individual did not read the strong purple warning at the top of my post. It mentioned my expectation at receiving flames. It suggested that life has controversy, life has sarcasm, and life has opinion.

And that you (dear potential reader) should deal with this, or Move Along.

This reader simply did not Move Along.

<Oh joy, sarcasm runs amuck! Perhaps my posts should have SARCASM ALERT posted every other line?>

Lessee….<sarcasm ON> Hmm. Can you hear me now? Where’s my snare, I have no snare in my headphones. <sarcasm OFF>

<Doncha think the carets should be enuf? Sniff sniff whine whine? GMAFB.>

Tell me again why you wrote this?

In my own therapy, I have learned how to better interpret other people’s words and actions. I’ve learned about things that trigger me. If I can figure out others’ motivations, I find that often their needs have nothing to do with me, even though they are directed (and sometimes spewed) at me.

I am only the center of my own universe; no one else’s. When someone claims to have been friends with me, then slams me, reviles me, throws hatred and cruel threats and ridiculous characterizations at me, I used to get very upset. I “reacted”. Was triggered. I did a bit yesterday, but (cheer!) the wall was up pretty quickly, and I was able to read this with 1) realization that flames had been expected, and 2) sad amusement.

<and 3) (rubbing palms), sweet anticipation.>

But now I realize these individuals express violence against themselves and their situations. Often their own helplessness and frustration. Whether they created those situations or not. Perhaps through no fault of their own.

Through my healing and growth (which admittedly requires more work), I am learning not to take things as personally. Because it Just. Ain’t. Worth. The. Pain.

<Although it provides such tempting morsels of fodder for worrying and gnawing in the quest to construct the perfect little zinger.>

Signed,

“[M]iss little cemented pearls of pain”

and

<The Goddess of Brilliance and Wonder>

Post Script

I decided not to put the entire contents of Felicity’s comment. It’s inflammatory. But it was an opportunity to explore my own myriad intellectual and emotional responses to it, and try to identify the triggers that set other people off. To again validate that I was not the cause of her anger; although perhaps the unknowing final straw for shit she was carrying from elsewhere.

Yeah, it’s all that psychology shit, but this actually interests me, and was a third reason I wrote this post.

– ∞ –

See also:

List of all posts
Nasty comment edited from Contact us
Arise oh Exhalted Alter (I mean, “Coping Mechanism”)
Standard Disclaimer: Read now and again before flaming
Looking for Attention, Baby Talk and Fakers in DID
Chasing those who infringe on your copyrighted blog material [updated]
Forums, Blogs, and Internet Libel
Meet Emily: the harassing, attention-seeking manipulative stalker and computer-crasher
Dear Ms. DID: Is someone with DID psychotic, a neurotic, or just mentally unfit?
Dear Ms. DID: Does Altercide, suicide of an alter, kill the entire system?
Guest Book and Introductions

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10 Comments»

  annenco wrote @

Wow! I need to get caught up on a bunch of stuff I guess. Anyway, I’m glad you were able to get yourself “righted” (as in right side up) again after that. I don’t know I always feel sad for people like that, that’s gotta be a pretty sad place to be if you write stuff like that. I was thinking it was pretty strange up until the point you posted the excerpt where the writer said they knew (thought?) you, cause it did sound like a re-hash of that other flame (the forum woman). Just was seeming very personal to be random and yeah why would they keep reading the blog? Why not move on? Unless they knew you (or thought they did)…very weird to me.
If you do post the whole comment, my opinion would be to make it a separate thing and not post it to where it was originally submitted. Just cause, personally, I would worry others might keep responding to something that (after your post here) really doesn’t deserve a response. I don’t know if you could but link it from here (I think the snippets here give people a good idea of what they would read and decide for themselves at that point if it may trigger them and if they want to read it) to a post/page with comments disabled? Best wishes with whatever you decide.

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Thank you annenco. People are amazing. Funny thing is, I keep getting more and more hits from a post on a forum for both the baby talk post and this post. I suspect that’s what started it all.

So, anyone from the forum in question care to comment? Or are ya just gonna lurk?

I won’t bite.

  Secret Shadows wrote @

I think those of us who are open and honest with our experiences and dare to tackle the tough topics sometimes have our posts read by other who just cannot “go there” yet. What we write may hit “too close to home” and their defenses pop up. It is hard. The journey to healing is a difficult one.

I do also think there are those reading who may have issues which cause them to misperceive things as being directed at them personally when they are not. Often I read a post on a blog and think, “My gosh, I could’ve written that myself!” There are similarities in some things we share. A lot of the feelings we all experienced are universal. So there will be readers, especially those that know us (how???) that could possibly read into it that we are referring to them personally when we are not and therefore become defensive and react in ways we do not expect.

Still, we all know there are those who are legitimate predators online who would like nothing more than to destroy the wonderful support network we have come to know and trust. And if not that, then break us down one by one so that we post no longer.

I, for one, have faith in what you do. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t come here, and I wouldn’t link you on my blog. I have faith in what I do, as well. Neither of us claim that our truth is THE truth. My experience with DID is just that…MY experience. My insights are just that…MY insights. What I find helpful and share on my blog may not be helpful for you.

People surf blogs looking for one thing or another. We will all find ones we like, and ones we don’t. Those we like, we visit on a regular basis. Those we don’t, we don’t return to. We will agree with some people some of the time. We will disagree with some people some of the time. We will never agree with ALL people ALL the time. When you surf blogs, realize you will see stuff you like, and stuff that you don’t. Do what works for you. Take what you like, leave what you don’t. But to leave angry, unsubstantiated, accusatory, name-calling, insulting comments is both immature and impulsive. I think, Emily, that you would agree with me that constructive criticism is welcome, and I for one appreciate it, but constructive criticism is well thought out, clearly expressed, and backed with factual information.

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

SecretShadows

Very very very well said. I nodded my head all the way through (But we speak to the choir, eh?) Your comment was a complete post in and of itself. (Put it on your blog too!)

I too, read many posts and identify with them completely. It amazes me. It also comforts me to know I have a support network of people who are just like me. Going through what I am going through. People toss around the term “support network” like it is some sort of item you buy online – “People who bought THIS, also bought THAT. “As you go through therapy, it’s important to have a good support network.”

But when you start to FEEL it….and find there are people like you, SecretShadows, who I can email and say, WTF with this crazy comment? Or warn you that she might have spewed the same to you as well, since she spoke of “all of you” and mentioned one of you by name.

I didn’t think twice – my first reaction was to email many of you just to say – I got a nasty email – you might have too. I will address it. Be safe. Because you are all part of my support network.

And one I didn’t get as part of a blue light special at Kmart.

  Jackie wrote @

WTF was that ? Was that a reaction from the upcoming full moon?

  Secret Shadows wrote @

I think so…..

  davidrochester wrote @

This is your house. You decide who visits. Do you let crazy strangers covered in filth into your house when they ring the doorbell and shout through your mailbox? I bet you don’t. I’d apply the same principle here.

She’s entitled to her opinions, but I don’t think she’s entitled to express them here. Your space. Your world. Your call. C’est tout.

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

All,

I since have found out the forum where a reference to my post about baby talk and fakers was posted. It is actually quite benign. Someone posted just the link and asked what others thought. There was mostly reasonable discussion. Some misunderstandings about what I wrote (that any baby-talk = fake). A little disagreement about whether very young alters understand what sitting at the computer really means. The linguistics. Supporting words that alters there can express themselves however they want and not to feel afraid. And a couple well thought out comments that supported our high level discussion, our decorum, our cognitive approach that didn’t become emotional.

All in all, I was surprised at the discussion. No flaming, no animosity, and actually quite a supportive environment for those posting there.

So, the traffic we are getting from that forum is good stuff, not anger. It was just my one wayward harasser who carried the anger.

(PS – I’m not gonna post the name of the forum because it is password protected, and there are many requests that it not be socialized to others. It seems a good place. I found it just clicking on DID links. I’m also not going to post the entire comment. Like I advised her to do, I am moving on. )

  Tigerweave/Anna wrote @

Still trying to get my head around just your title: “Cemented pearls of pain.”

*giggles*

*hugs* for the weird vibes from this person. And *hugs* for handling it so well.

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Anna (and all).

Reason 3 for this post – My internal recovery for how she really did hurt Emily

In all seriousness, I had a draft paragraph in this post I had to delete because it made it clear that she had “gotten” to me ,and I wanted to deal with that internally rather than spewing in my post. But for you to ask me, I will answer.

This individual started her comment with this jewel that I did approve here:

I think that the cemented pearls of pain have shattered somewhere along the line and you all […] have gone beyond all human lengths of calling attention to yourself.

The “cemented pearls of pain” comes from the my description of our life..the start of therapy when we just started to break into the heavy wall that had held back the anger and pain. I called the anger and rage that I had carefully encapsulated and hidden way, the “cemented pearls of pain.” More than 25 years worth.

I still think inside “That fcking bitch, to read my/Emily’s story and admission of the trauma we had held inside for so long…starting therapy to finally heal, she is a heartless bitch to throw that back at me.”

She threw my trauma in my face. She threw my initial bravery to start therapy in my face. She hurt Emily, and in that, she has pissed me off. I am not upset, but there are some things people can do that will cause me to write them off forever. And into that category she has put herself.

So, I am not particularly clean in my motives to write a post around her nasty words. To respect Emily, I left the commenter’s name and initial comments where she dared me to post the entire diatribe here.

Cami


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