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26 Comments»

  secretshadows wrote @

How did you get your Webring Navigation code to show up correctly on your blog? Mine is just an ugly gray square. I tried to get help from Webring, but they weren’t much help. They said some blog software just makes it show up that way (like it was just a WordPress thing), but yours shows up well. How and where did you place the code to make it display right?
~Secret Shadows

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Hi SecretShadows,

Yeah, it was a pain. I created a text widget in that column (like in your column 2 under design, widgets). Then I pasted this in. Now, I wanted to just cut and past the HTML code here, but WordPress insists on rendering it! I will email the code to you.

Emily

  secretshadows wrote @

I tried copying and pasting the Navigation code in a Text Widget, and it still came up as a gray square. 😦

Maybe it’s my theme messing it up.

  anita wrote @

Are you still blogging? I miss you.
I enjoy your sense of humor and advice, or at least knowing I am not alone on this road.
Anita

  secretshadows wrote @

Emily,
It’s been awhile since you wrote, and I was kind of wondering how you are doing. You were posting so much for awhile. I realize you could just be busy with stuff, but I have grown to care about you, and I just wonder how you are. I hope that things are going ok for you.
~Secret Shadows

  emilylonelygirl wrote @

Hi SecretShadows

Thank you for saying that – I have not been around lately. Many crazy things in my life, and it has made it hard for me to handle everything. I won’t give a laundry list, but overall things are not good. I hope to write a few more entries when I have time, but I am having trouble getting my mind around things.

Your note about caring – that makes me feel good. We have all started to care about one another, and to receive a comment like your’s is so appreciated.

Thanks
Emily

  Secret Shadows wrote @

Well, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that things gett better for you soon.

I really do care.

Secret Shadows

  Felicity wrote @

I think that the cemented pearls of pain have shattered somewhere along the line and you all […] have gone beyond all human lengths of calling attention to yourself.

[Ed. Note: This comment was edited to remove inflammatory material.]

Best as always to you and your’s
Felicity

[Ed. Note: Exploration of inflammatory comments on the internet and this blog: Nasty Comments about my “Cemented Pearls of Pain”]

  BAB wrote @

Hi Emily,
I like your blog. I was looking at info on inpatient programs and I have some questions that maybe you can answer. I actually do really well in an outpatient setting-partial hospital setting.
One of my fears is that some of the ladies in the photos of the PhD and staff look like real hard-asses. I really don’t do well in an environment of intense confrontation. They all look alike: middle aged, short hair and the glasses.
I am well educated in that I actually have a graduate degree in a field of psych and know how these women are gunners and at the top of their field…..they have not experienced what I have and I need people that have been where I’m at and have gotten better….preferably older and really understanding of the experience.
Do you have any suggestions for me?
thanks

  camigwen wrote @

Hi BAB

Boy, I never through of it that way – hardass looking photographs, but realize I would probably feel the same way too!

Well, I suppose one answer that might be kinda obvious (sorry!) is to meet them or talk to them. Some people do not photograph well, and some people are embarrassed to have their picture taken – kinda like getting that driver’s license picture taken. So, that might help you get past it by thinking of your own crappy (sorry!) pictures.

Referrals…if anyone here can give some advice. Or again, if you have a therapist or someone who knows first hand…I’d try that. It is hard – when I looked for a new therapist , I stared at a list of hundreds of names and had little idea where to start. I ended up looking for people who were members of ISSTD (International Society for the Study of Dissociation and Trauma) and found two. I am currently seeing one of them.

Good luck
Cami

  annenco wrote @

BAB
Grr lol wrote out this whole comment and then lost it. *sigh*
Anyway I got my current therapist name off the ISSD list for my area too. I had heard about her a little before that I think and then my job counselor recommended her. It’s been going really well so far. I had a hard time too with first impressions with some of the ones I’ve tried out, picture, voice on the phone, etc. Trying them out is kind of the only way though. I mean I asked around and tried to research them a little but …some of them ended up just looking good on ‘paper’ and that was it. I almost gave up and decided to give this one a shot so, glad I did.

  behindthecouch wrote @

Hey, have posted some DID questions on recent posts – hope this is ok.

Best

BTC.

  Emily’s Camigwen wrote @

BTC – no problem at all. Conversation is really good and useful, and *I* am learning a lot as well!

  rdrunner68 wrote @

I havent seen a post from you for awhile, hope everything is ok.

TakeCare
Mo

  Emily’s Camigwen wrote @

Hi Mo

I am okay. Thank you for asking about me – it was nice to receive a message asking about me. I really appreciate it – little things mean so much.

I mentioned that I had to pull back to focus on getting a job. It has been hard, and it has caused me to dissociate actually, which has removed my impetus to blog here.

I hope you are well. I think about everyone here and your support gives me comfort. You are all so good.

My best Cami

  BTC wrote @

Hey, it’s been a while and you’re quiet.. where’s the constant output? the online battles to change the world and get the miscreants under control? All ok with you?

B.x

  Emily’s Camigwen wrote @

Hi BTC! Yeah, I have been quiet. Job search still going on and a lot of family stuff. Still with the new therapist and she is GREAT so I am “ok” and still actually making progress. You will understand this…as well as many others here…I have had to put my work and energy into this blog on hold. Why? Because I have to get a job with some significant urgency now and have been working full time on it. My engineer, very Type A and proud – who has been on a mission to Get A Job. Her goal in life to prove that no challenge is beyond her. (I am squashing editorial comments now 😉 ) So, I have not had much chance to do this. Quite literally, it has not been the “center’s” blog. I have been able to run over here for an evening and catch up and am taking the time I can get! *I*/Cami with Emily’s push feel the responsibility to be over here more often, but *I*/Kate don’t feel the sense of obligation. I have had some good news recently and have been able to relax the reins, so to speak, and am able to be here.

I feel very good that you checked in on me – support systems are so important, and I value the one that I have here in all of you!!!

  Secret Shadows wrote @

I miss you……I miss reading your “sassy” posts. How are you doing?
Secret Shadows

  Emily’s Camigwen wrote @

Hi Secret – thank you for checking in on me – makes me feel good folks are thinking about me. Connections. I value them so much. I am doing okay overall. Job search has been so stressful, but I may have an opportunity so keeping the fingers crossed! I find it interesting (but should not be surprised) that the dissociation and compartmentalizing that I have to do to focus completely analytically on the job search (which is a job by itself!) stops me from working on this blog. I/Cami/Emily are much more aware and introspective of myself and what we are going though, and I/Cami/Kate have to be much more unemotional to Get The Job Done. I/Cami see the different agendas and needs and try to balance (and feel the guilt of both!) but that just the way it as been.

My best
Cami

  Elysium3006 wrote @

Hi,
I found your site earlier and have been reading through it. I just wanted to say thanks!! I appreciate your cantor and the information you make available on your blog. I am not offended!

I have a hx of being abused in my past. I have been in therapy since 2005 and have been diagnosed with depression and complex PTSD. Late in 2008 I had to be rushed in to emergency surgery for an infection. Since then, I feel like my world has shifted on it’s axis.

I have lost my job, lost my home, and am isolated from my family by distance. Since my surgery I have been dissociating a lot more than I ever have before.

In January, I began to identify, I guess alters…I call them personas? I have identified several personas with gender and they have names and ages. I didn’t give them these names….that’s just the names they came with….if that makes any sense. I have the perception that there is one specific persona that so far goes by the name of “The Operator” that seems to be the one that puts on the main front that allows me to be so productive in my life (i.e. career, school, life in general), but also seems to decide which persona gets what information or deals with an event.

I keep questioning myself if this is all real or if I am just making this up in my head!?! I don’t know why I would make it up…? It feels very real to me. I have voices in my head all the time, and right now one of the meanest is telling me I am just a stupid, crazy bitch. I am educated in mental health and have a decent understanding of dissociative disorders. When I look back at my past history DID makes a lot of sense with my past experiences, although PTSD does as well.

I am meeting a new therapist this week to be evaluated for DID. I have taken some special tests already to aid in a possible diagnosis.

The closer I get to my appointment with her, the more terrified I am. I am having anxiety attacks too again. I am going through this “I want to know/I don’t want to know” thing and right now we are all terrified. I don’t usually refer to myself as we, because people start to look at you weird if you do…but it feels like all the molecules inside of me are all smashing into eachother at high rates of speed and my body feels like it’s vibrating. I feel like I want to hide and run away.

Sorry for this post. I am just real scared right now and I guess I just needed to communicate with someone who not only KNOWS this thing called DID, but is intelligent too.

I don’t know what to do with myself right now…

P.S. I hope I’m not “Flaming”. I’m not sure what that means exactly but it’s not my intent to upset you or anyone else that may read this post.

Hope you are well.
Thanks again!!

  Emily’s Camigwen wrote @

Hi Elysium3006

Wow – a tough phase that you are going through. I understand it as well – I have felt like this is all not real and I can run away from it, but other times it smacks me in the face. I would not try to diagnose yourself, or even to be so concerned with what the actual diagnosis is. What you experience is what you experience. Please see the therapist – I was scared of that as well, and also of even going week to week sometimes. But I always leave with a sense of relief and a plan for the next week or days. Try not to get afraid of therapy – they are there to help you, but I know the fear! But hear this – if you do not feel comfortable with the therapy, GET ANOTHER ONE! My first was good for a while, but I had to switch when my therapy needs changed. Don’t be afraid to listen to your inner feelings about what is good for you.

About “I want to know?I don’t want to know.” Try to rid yourself of the name of the DX. If your therapist has experience in the area, in my opinion, your initial DX is not as relevant as what you experience every day. That is what therapy is about – your daily life. How to understand yourself and others – how to work on the things that trouble you. In doing this, your DX is secondary – in my experience, it is a consideration but not something that permanently decides the path of your therapy. I honestly thought I would be DDNOS what it is technically DID. That was a surprise, but not really relevant to my therapy sessions. So try not to worry about that – it is most important that you are talking to someone!!!

No, you are not flaming. You are talking about things that are important and very relevant to your life. Actually, think of it this way – you just wrote a lot of personal stuff to me, a complete stranger, but one who understands what you are going through. You also just shared with many other people who read this blog. No one has attacked you, or suggested that the feelings you have are wrong or you are a “stupid crazy bitch.” Please take your courage at writing here to your therapist. In fact, why don’t you print out your comment, and my response if you want to, and just take that to your therapist to read. It is very hard to trust someone face to face rather than on the anonymous internet, but everything you wrote is good stuff to be shared. Please do it.

My best
Cami/Emily

  Elysium3006 wrote @

Emily,
Thanks again for your words. You are right…I need to focus on what I am experiencing in my daily life more so than the dx. I did end up being dx with DID and the Psychologist reconfirmed the diagnosis of PTSD. I’ve had up and down days lately. One of my alters, Tosh-the artist, is making a system map so we can take it in to therapy this week.

I am nervous about my current therapy. I really trust my therapist, and have become somewhat therapeutically attached to her, but she told me last week that she will not treat my DID because she doesn’t have the appropriate training/experience. She did say that we could continue our sessions for now and when I am ready to move forward with the treatment she would refer me on and stay with me through the transition.

I don’t want to switch therapists. Right now I am not focusing on integration anyway. The overall concensus from my ‘family’ is “NO WAY”. I think right now I am more interested in learning more about our system and learning to live cohesively. I don’t know if we will ever want to intigrate.

Anyway, I hope you are well. I really appreciate your help!
Tam

  Emily’s Camigwen wrote @

Tam

I think it’s probably a good thing to work on a map for your therapist. I have trouble with my map as it doesn’t feel right yet – I don’t have a lot of confirmation all around, so I have not shared yet. It takes trust, so make sure you feel good about it.

Good luck!

Cami

  Elysium3006 wrote @

Aaarrgghh!
Hi again…

I’m so frustrated right now. My therapist keeps saying stuff like this is just BPD and I don’t think she believes the PsyD assessment and dx. She is asking me to get a second opinion because she states I am “owning” the dx so much and she is worried about Iatrogenisis. I have agreed to get a second opinion if only to get everyone on the same page.

I am at the point that I truly believe I fall in either the DID or DDNOS are of the dissociative continuum but honestly, I don’t care what label you smack on it, I am still having the experiences I am having and I wish my therapist would look into this with an open mind instead of with suspision.

My Psych Nurse Practitioner who manages my meds is stating that she is going to call the State Board (I am in the medical profession) and anonymously ask them if she needs to DISCLOSE my dx. I am freaking out!! She states that she doesn’t “have a clue” about dissociative disorders, so she’s going to call other people who have even less of a clue and then there is going to be a big issue made when there doesn’t need to be. VERY ANGRY…SCARED…FRUSTRATED. Thanks…but I really don’t want to be OUTED!!

Anyway…one more thing…! I’ve been to some forums for Dissociative Disorders and DID. I notice that certain folks who post there will post when different alters are out. I am not meaning to be mean, nor am I meaning to discount anyones experiences so PLEASE PLEASE don’t take it that way, but I find it a little odd that when they supposedly have a little alter typing, the words they type are all scrunched up and misspelled in funny ways. I know my littles don’t really type. We have a couple spokespeople alters who do all our blogging…etc so if something needs to be said from the perspective of our littles, our spokes-alters relay it for them. Sometimes it seems to me that this might be attention seeking. But maybe I just need to get a clue and be more sensative???

Any thoughts on the odd writing of littles?

Tam

  mo wrote @

Is there a way to send you a private message ?

Mo

  Emily’s Camigwen wrote @

Nope. But you can always email me. My email is floating around the website, but it is emilylonelygirl (at) gmail.com.


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