Archive for Personal Musings

Putting Your Doubts on the Other Side of the Street

For reasons not relevant to this blog, I joined an online Alanon group.  Alanon is for friends and family of those dealing with alcohol issues.  I learned that Alanon is not about the individual with the alcohol problem, but it’s about *you.*  How you deal with your life, your reactions, your healing.  Learning how you’ve changed (often for the negative) from your attempts to “deal with” or “change” the other person.

I’ve learned many things I can apply to my life – things that have *nothing* to do with alcohol.  I had no idea it was such a widely-applicable program.

Joy wrote a comment on the Baby Talkers post that got me thinking about something I learned in Alanon.  She wrote:

I have been struggling with this for awhile now, especially regarding you tube. They sound sincere, but who is going to actively flaunt this, especially their littles on public video forums? Maybe I’m wrong, but then again, half the time I doubt my own diagnosis.

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Alive

Yes, I am alive.  A sincere thank you for all who have written me asking how I am.

I have thought many times about what I would post here, after so long.  A summary of the absolute hell that was the year of 2009.

But each of you has had your own day, month, year, or perhaps decade of hell.  **shrugs** what the hell do you need to hear my pain for?

My therapist asked if I posted here anymore.  I said I hadn’t.  After many sessions of me telling her I couldn’t talk to anyone. That I couldn’t really trust anyone.  That I felt everyone I’d confided in had somehow betrayed me.  (pause).  In all cases but one, any feeling of betrayal was my interpretation and not their intent.

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What’s up Girl? Healed a little, eh?

My writing has become sporadic. My LIFE is more chaotic. But for (ultimately) a good reason – I’ve gotten a job.

So why do I feel more unstable than ever?

This post does have a point – a snapshot of growth through the hardest external challenges my husband and I have ever faced.

<Yeah yeah, more of that “what doesn’t kill you” crap.>

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Healing: It’s not a Sprint, it’s a Marathon. And That’s a Good Thing.

When I do cardio at the gym, I listen to my iPod. Traditionally I’ve chosen fast-paced upbeat songs, but I’ve broadened my playlist to explore new motivations because like may of you, I’m facing significant challenges right now.  Job search, the economy, my therapy, etc.  Averaging it all together, I’m doing okay.  My healing is amazing, and my therapist hammers me to be proud of myself.  Smile.

So when I heard this lyric the other day, it made me feel a little more real.   That I truly am learning pace and control.

But the race is not, for the swift
But who really can, take control of it †

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Tragedy, Comedy, Multiplicity, Reality

I searched for quotes on humor as intellectual perspective and found the following:

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
– Horace Walpole

To wit,

And for those who “those” include these among many, the world is both a whirling cacophony of enmeshing realities and the absence of connected existence.
– Camigwen

Teaser for an Upcoming Guest Post by My Husband!

An amazing thing happened tonight!

The other day, Elysium3006 commented on a post I made last May called, Should I Tell My Spouse I  Have DID? But today I told Elysium3006 that my response has changed – it all depends on timing and communication.  Back then my response was a resounding NO!  But today my response is different – my husband knows mostly everything and he is so accepting and a pillar of my support system.  He read my response to Elysium3006, and even added a few lines of his own feelings.

He had good thoughts so I said, somewhat flippantly, “You should write a post about what it’s like to be a spouse of someone with DID and what it was like to go through the hard times .  When you didn’t know what was happening with me, and I didn’t tell you even that I had started therapy.  And how I eventually was able to share, and how we finally started talking so positively for both of us! And then finally stepping back from the very real specter of divorce.

To my elated amazement, he said, “Ok – start dictating.”  And I did.

I told him that his thoughts on when and how much to share with a significant other and family would be SO APPRECIATED by those of us who are afraid to talk, and for those who are support persons.

What an amazing husband I have!  If you’ve followed my healing, you will realize the complete turnaround in our relationship.  And you will hear how a man who never believed in therapy tells me to keep going as long as I need to.  Stay tuned!

Another Little Update

Hi folks – a little update.  Thank you all for checking in on me.  Still job search which has become a full time job. And quite frankly, to effectively perform a job search requires some strong dissociation of emotions in the face of the econony and the repeated, “We really like you and feel you would be a significant contributor, but this position has been put on hold for changing business needs.”

“Changing business needs.”

<story of my fcking life right about now>

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