Archive for anger

Need your help

I need advice and help.  I can’t talk to anyone.  Therapy has gotten too hard for anyone to understand, and when I try to share, I can’t explain in any way that can be meaningful to others.  Or in a way that helps them support me.  I’m stuck in the chaos of my head alone.  I’ve had to swear to myself to “be normal” and not talk about this to them anymore.

This is partly why I haven’t been here lately.

I’ve also truly learned what “fair-weather friend” means.  And how that shatters ability to trust.

It’s no one’s fault – I know how complicated this is, and I know how fucked up I am.  Shit from my head has started to come out first person and I am starting to lose it.   Finally the way they advise in therapy, lowering the wall, is just leaving me in confusion, chaos and rage.

I need advice.  Wednesday AM, I have to get on a plane for a trip to see family – haven’t been there in a while.  They don’t know anything.  It will be 24/7 – I am sleeping on their couch. Last time I was there, I was just “really tired” from a conference I’d just come from in the same town.  I felt so fake.  You guys know how this goes with all the threads of thought.

I am already going nuts and don’t think I can be “happy normal” for 4 days.  I am self-injuring with the stress of the trip and with my own rage inside.  Today was horrible.  Tomorrow is my birthday and it will suck.  I just need to somehow get through Sunday.

Right at this moment, trying to formulate these thoughts, is the most rational I have been able to achieve in more than a day.

Probably because I just realized that you all are the only ones I can truly talk to, and who can truly understand.

I am losing my ability to dissociate and “be normal”  and fake it.

I don’t know if it is even possible for me to find a way to even partly enjoy this trip, but 4 days of being fake to hide, I don’t know.  I’ve used that strategy a lot in the past, but don’t think it’s going to work this time.

Advice please.

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Nasty Comments about my “Cemented Pearls of Pain”

“This blog is creepy, beyond creepy. I feel like I just crawled out of a shit ridden toilet filled with your cemented pearls of pain.”

A recent reader offered this wonderfully constructed sentence embodying a cornucopia of foul emotions all at once. It’s actually really good stuff. Except for the fact that the toilet she crawled out of appears to be one of her own making.

<Perhaps we should give Stephen King a call -“A strangled flush in the night gave way to the wafting malodorous hint that the Blog That Shat Pearls of Pain was to “[reep] havoc … stalking a family member …”>

But I digest.

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Review: “Duality” by Dannie Abse

Shortly after I was attacked at 16, I read a poem in a high school creative writing class by Dannie Abse called “Duality.” Instantly I knew the poem was about me. I had no idea at the time I would end up with a diagnosis of DID, but since then, I’ve wondered if he’s got a touch of the dissociation as well.

Twice upon a time,
there was a man who had two faces.
two faces but one profile …
At signposts, he must wear the both.

Dannie Abse

Dannie Abse

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Problems that arise treating a DID patient without the skills to do so

Sometimes I am so damn stupid.

I keep falling into the same trap and I am amazed that I haven’t figured it out, but continue to let myself be an idiot. I assume that everyone is an expert. That everyone, in their chosen field, knows more than the average bear.

Kinda like that old riddle:

“What do you call a med student who graduates with a D average?”

“Dr.”

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Therapist consultation for dissociative identity disorder

Back when I was considering changing therapists, I wrote about Changing therapists – what to consider. This week, I took my own advice. Here’s what a leader in the field of dissociative identity disorder had to say to me.

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HALT – one method to break the cycle of anger and rage

I read an interesting post on Catatonic Kid’s blog called, HALT: Bursting Anger’s Bubble. I thought it was interesting, but found myself spontaneously using the technique in my own life to cope with fluctuations in mood. Surprisingly, it worked!

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Lessons learned in a therapuetic relationship gone wrong

I had the last session with my therapist yesterday. We are at an impasse, and it’s time for me to find someone else. Or stop therapy all together. I have not decided. But I have learned some valuable lessons I would like to share about relationships and communications with therapists.

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