Archive for flashbacks

Need your help

I need advice and help.  I can’t talk to anyone.  Therapy has gotten too hard for anyone to understand, and when I try to share, I can’t explain in any way that can be meaningful to others.  Or in a way that helps them support me.  I’m stuck in the chaos of my head alone.  I’ve had to swear to myself to “be normal” and not talk about this to them anymore.

This is partly why I haven’t been here lately.

I’ve also truly learned what “fair-weather friend” means.  And how that shatters ability to trust.

It’s no one’s fault – I know how complicated this is, and I know how fucked up I am.  Shit from my head has started to come out first person and I am starting to lose it.   Finally the way they advise in therapy, lowering the wall, is just leaving me in confusion, chaos and rage.

I need advice.  Wednesday AM, I have to get on a plane for a trip to see family – haven’t been there in a while.  They don’t know anything.  It will be 24/7 – I am sleeping on their couch. Last time I was there, I was just “really tired” from a conference I’d just come from in the same town.  I felt so fake.  You guys know how this goes with all the threads of thought.

I am already going nuts and don’t think I can be “happy normal” for 4 days.  I am self-injuring with the stress of the trip and with my own rage inside.  Today was horrible.  Tomorrow is my birthday and it will suck.  I just need to somehow get through Sunday.

Right at this moment, trying to formulate these thoughts, is the most rational I have been able to achieve in more than a day.

Probably because I just realized that you all are the only ones I can truly talk to, and who can truly understand.

I am losing my ability to dissociate and “be normal”  and fake it.

I don’t know if it is even possible for me to find a way to even partly enjoy this trip, but 4 days of being fake to hide, I don’t know.  I’ve used that strategy a lot in the past, but don’t think it’s going to work this time.

Advice please.


Believing the first 4/6 of the Dissociative Spectrum, but not the rest

Does DID/MPD exist as a clinical condition, or is DID/MPD “just an extreme example of what we all do every day.”?

Is this an “either/or” question or do these really say the same thing?

These thoughts and words come from a post that Annenco sent me – a post from someone who attempts to explore and resolve the concept of DID/MPD in 400 words or less. Hers is a kinder, gentler stereotype – tempering the concept into something everyone can more easily reject.

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Comment: Emotional Flashbacks

I read a post today called Non-Visual Flashbacks after Child Abuse. Everyone can understand what a visual flashback might be, even if they have never experienced one. Faith Allen relays that non-visual flashbacks are another wonderful aspect of PTSD, and she is right.  Some thoughts on flashbacks that overwhelm all the senses.

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In-patient treatment for trauma based disorders

I hate that word, “Disorders.” But the name is less relevant than the fact that at least part of the medical profession acknowledges it.

I have been researching specialized treatment for abreactive work. In-patient programs for trauma. Let’s talk about some of these facilities and what the offer.

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Review: “Multiplicity, Abuse and Healing Website”

Through the admittedly short course of my therapy (to date: 9 months), I have amassed a collection of links to information on the web. Some have excellent little snippets, and others are more comprehensive. Some sites I find myself going back to again and again.

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Crazy Lady in Aisle 9

For years I wondered, why are my emotions all over the board, from nonexistent to all-encompassing in an instant? For no reasons I could discern?

I am an information gatherer. The internet is full of garbage, but amid the flotsam are jewels of knowledge and information.

Many of the jewels anchor my new reality. Please, I plead to the vast masses of disembodied information, show me evidence that I am normal. Alone at my computer, I queried with questions I could never admit to family and friends.

Thankfully, the internet complied.

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